Reckless love

The love of a heavenly Father.

Beyond reasoning, beyond comprehension, beyond fear... Beyond shame, beyond doubt, beyond grief. It's not simple compassion, it's more than compassion, it's relief, it's comforting, loving, it understands your pain, it helps in trouble, it waits for you, it comes after you, it greets you, it heals you. It gives you hope, it takes you in, it grooms you and ties your wounds. It actually welcomes you. Feeling welcomed among His presence, being welcomed to His life, to His glory, to His goodness, to His love. Being welcomed by Him and His compassion, there's no better thing. It would be good if I were able to love like He does.

Only love

The Lord has been dealing with some internal pain of mine lately. He has brought up many things. I've kept a record of His doings on my phone but I will probably not publish it.

I didn't know how much pain I'm really living under. He is just slowly taking these things away. And when He is taking care of me and grooming me from these places of anguish in my soul, a lot of burdens are being released. He is faithful to complete His work in me and His love abides everywhere around me and within me.

I'm beginning to realize a few things about friendship, what is necessary for me to hold a friendship. Not about what I can do for a friendship relationship but rather what I need. I really need love and for me I'm not really receiving any. I think I know what my love languages are and both of these are foreign in most of interaction I have in my life.

I hope this will change soon, I'd like to have a friend.

I was thinking of getting a dog but it really doesn't look like a possibility. It's not so much as being lonely ,fortunately I don't feel it that much. But rather I'm just missing someone who likes ...me.

In all honesty I believe most people really don't know much about me or my struggles or really what's going internally within, actually maybe no one does. I don't even write it out anymore. However this really opens me up for the Lord and I love Him. He cares for me, He actually is eager to hear what I have to say or what's on my heart. I wanna be true to Him.

However in this place that I'm in now, I really am no longer open. So all ideas of an actual relationship is... if maybe even repulsive for me. I don't really want anything or anyone.
Whereas indeed I'd like a friend for me, I kinda wanna push people further, especially women. I can't even deal with the idea of having another burden on me as a wife may be, because let's be honest what I hear and see is nothing but hardship. I'm fed up with hardship, what's the use of more dirt... So in a way my tune of heart sings "leave me alone, only Lord come near".

I'm in pain, I'm alone and I'm tired of myself and life.

This song has been with me for so so long. Still applicable.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Cd1x3ikVb67AZsX38UesY?si=fL_6ORl8TdqvWBsPWY44BA