Unwavering Love

" ...Michael Carpenter was almost as tall as me and packed a lot more muscle. He had the kind of face that told anyone who looked that he was a man of honesty and kindness who nonetheless could probably kick the crap out of you if you offered him violence. I wasn't sure how he managed that. Something about the strenght of his jawline, maybe, bespoke the steady power of both body and mind. But as for the kindness, that went all the way down to his soul. You could see it in the warmth of his grey eyes..." - Dresden files : Proven Guilty, page 205.

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Faith.

Absolute faith and love have taken control and steer my life with strength beyond what I thought I was capable of. Both mentally, physically and spiritually. I am so much more than I thought I could even consider to be. It has been a somewhat harsh but fair and fruitful lesson to learn how to love again. My love has grown to be resolute. I am more certain of this love than I am certain of anything I can physically touch. I am capable, I am strong, I am able to carry another. I am absolute. I'm adapting, learning, living it to the fullest. It feels good, I feel the power of the universe hovering above. I feel electricity. I have come a long way, and there's so much more to learn and path to walk. But right now I shall allow myself this small victory, for I love me, her and them.

I'm becoming a man


.

What it means to be human.

L**e is rejecting me. I don't for a second think that it is to hurt me. If anything I'm certain that she would have it any other way if it were simply possible. I don't think I have ever really felt such a strong feeling for anyone. I am not going to sugar coat it, I love someone. And I am certain of this. For a psychologist to understand, what I feel is complete faith, complete acceptance, complete willingness to understand, complete desire to do well for her and by her, complete craving for her emotions. It is not by far as sexual as I've experienced love beforehand, it is way beyond what I'm used to and what I have ever felt.

 I honestly did not even think in the past, that I could ever feel this much emotion again. Scarily it's even more than it was the first time I witnessed love. I never knew that I could even love this deeply.

The harshest lesson to learn, is to learn how to love unconditionally. 

I'm scared, afraid that this love can never be mine, no matter how much strength I put into me and it. This love is not for me and I do not understand why. I truly don't know why I or why God am/is so unnecessarily cruel to me. I honestly don't know why or even what must I learn. I am in pieces and dying. I didn't know you can feel so much heartache even when you've never actually had a romantic relationship. I didn't know I would give my world away to someone who claims inability to love. I didn't know that she actually deserves me the most out of all the world. She doesn't ask for a guardian angel , but her soul calls out to me in despair. I didn't know that I could cry in front of my loved one and feel that she understands me, yet she doesn't say a word. I didn't know that there is no cure for this. It's so difficult to admit that even with all your heart, with all your logic and reason I simply don't know what to do.

I am in pieces.

Tonight I dance alone

Mother I've seen too much, I hate to live my life
Forgot every word you told me, stubborn little child, (angel of your life)
I have to find my Eden now, the gates I left behind
But the pain will remain
No power to gain

Now I have time to dwell on self awareness, dreadful crime
I saw the colors too bright, not knowing that I was blind
I slayed a man who took a chance and drank the forbidden wine
The map I draw reveals that I have been complete , a machine indeed




Faith is inching away from my heart. Slowly I lose to life only to self-destruct.
I can no longer breathe like I used to, I can no longer hope like I used to.
Losing my touch of reality, I fall into insanity. This vessel I govern is becoming tedious to maintain. Annoyed by my misfortune I think of slaying my own being to free me from these shackles of belief. Fate take my soul and do so fast, before I take control. I've thought of writing down all my knowledge before I cave. I can no longer give anything other than what I know. My love has dried up, my soul screams escape.

I hoped to live and die in your arms, but love is driving me to an early grave. Words and logic take me in as a disciple of life. Universe has not forgotten about me, but I don't think I care much for what's in store for me at this point. I suppose it's all pointless anyway, I've lived here for so long and so many times, that there's nothing I haven't seen or experienced. Death is not really that scary, I suppose it's similar to being born. If I managed that sort of pain, then I'm sure death is a walk in the park.

I'm not depressed at all though, just burnt out. I feel my inner fire, from a roaring blaze, all that's left is a twindeling candle flame.

End take me, I accept your embrace, I long for your warmth.

A lit cigarette is keeping me company tonight.

Careless about the smoke stinging my eyes. A quiet day, all of it for me, alone.
I've been here I don't know how many times. This form of solitude is pretty much home for me already. Not that it's so enjoyable, it's just that I've gotten used to it. Even though faith is cruel to me, I find that I'm pretty good company for myself. It's good to sometimes know that even though nobody will pick me up, I'm always here for myself, leaving small pieces of love around to discover later.

I don't think I'm a stupid man, foolish perhaps, but I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong with me. Why am I so difficult to actually love. Do I make it hard myself? I know that consistency is key in any form of relationships, but it just feels like I'm hopeless. Who in their right mind would actually give a shit about a, for lack of a better word, weirdo like me. I know many things, I know many answers to questions that trouble us collectively, that seems useful, no? I try and give my best for the world and its' people. I'm capable for a lot of love, I just would much rather condense it towards a single entity at least for a little while. Until I'm used to being loved I don't think I can give much more than what I have given so far. And I don't think I'll get anywhere anytime soon..
This weird feeling of emptiness is a little different than what I'm a kin to. I don't know if I'm depressed, but I just feel done. Out of my place, out of my time-frame, out of everyones heart. I don't know what to think. I'm just sort of... dying.

'A phoenix in its last hours always burns brightest.'

I'm definitely too young to feel this burnt out. I don't know if this is normal.

Why is it so fucking difficult to get to me anyway? Do I have this invisible shield that blocks away what I really really need and desire. Fuck, I don't think there will be much rejoice once I've left, yet why push me away? I'm well aware of the terms ''clearly there's a lesson you need to learn from it all'', but honestly what the fuck do I have to learn in my situation? ''Hey guess what, you'll end up on your own, accept it.'' And what the fuck am I talking like an 80 year old man for? Has life really ground me so thin that I just can no longer cope with it..

Sometimes I want to just go back to it all, as a soul. I've got better things to do than fight faith. I'm not okay with just barely surviving.

I've stopped eating properly.. maybe a meal a day, maybe a snack here and there. But even that is far and few between. I dare say I'm a little bit worried. On the other hand, why worry, it won't make much of a difference.

Maybe I am a little bit too eccentric and honestly, if someone would tell me the things I've told people, I would stay clear myself, if I had their point of view/level of consciousness. Myself however, I don't have a difficult time understanding why people do the things I do and I can almost 100% empathize with them. I don't really understand why this is going under-appreciated though. At least as I understand, that collectively people would like to know more people like me. I'm trying to give people what they want and need. And since I'm not that needy myself, then I guess all this room in me should be spent on you. Though I do so very badly miss ''touch''. I'm having a really difficult time coping with the fact that there won't be much affection for me for the times to come. And no I don't really find much appreciation in friendship. I have plenty of friends. Of course I don't mind meeting new people and becoming friends. But that is just not what I'm looking for...

Maybe I just don't deserve a lover or to be happy. Maybe that's why I've taught myself to get along with this vessel as best I can, because there's not much more for me anyway.

 I like to think that it's more like the world giving me a giant fuck you. Irony is that, I know for a fact that it's myself that is creating this reality for me.

One thing is for certain, life just blows..

Narcissism

And so dawns the darkest hour of my life.

The sun sets and night engulfs my soul. I willingly step forth. The bell has struck 5 times, eve will take this moment. It's a beautiful day.

 Even now, I absolutely love this place. I think I kinda like math now. strange I don't think I've been here before... I just - don't have anything . I am done, empty, I've allowed you to eat me and have been waiting for this day for quite some time. Grab your last mouthful because there is nothing left.

Don't wanna be sly and defile you

Desecrate my mind and rely on you

I just wanna break this crown

But it's hard when I'm so run down

And you're so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal

Got to bring myself back from the dead

Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made

Everything's wrong every time

Pushing on I can't escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its sweet time?

Holding on I'm lost in a haze

Fighting life to the end of my days

Don't wanna be rude but I have to

Nothing's good about the hell you put me through

I just need to look around

See that life that has come unbound

And you're so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal

Got to bring myself back from the dead

Sometimes, I hate, the life I made

Everything's wrong every time

Pushing on I can't escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Sometimes, I hate, the life I made

Everything's wrong every time

Pushing on I can't escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Holding on I'm lost in a haze

Fighting life to the end of my days

Holding on I'm lost in a haze

Fighting life to the end of my days