Conundrum

I'm left uneasy

Seeing you still makes me smile every time.

Somehow I've misplaced my self-confidence. I'm left here speculating over my own worth. Do I even deserve a seat in front the hearth of my tree of light.

Carry me on wings of light, be just to my soul and heart.
For I am a child whose love for the world has not yet been quenched.
 Drenched in doubt and belief, I am a castaway in front of an oasis of truth. Make me believe that I'm left with reality and not some twisted mirage, a mind trick to fool a fool.
Breathe one more time, show me how I can live. Draw life, I believe in your art. Just don't expect gold, because Davy Jones's Locker holds only my heart.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


I keep slipping in and out of my systems and reality. All of a sudden I'm just stuck in my head and afraid that I will never really be loved. Coming back to reality, I realize I already am being loved, until I slip away into doubt and find myself in a repeating circle. Emotionally I am quite drained, oddly enough a rather good cure for feeling drained is simply look at your ''her''. ''She'' definitely gives me energy and a positive vibe, without her I would be in a much much darker place. Naturally I can not thank her enough. I wish there was something I could do to prove this, how much I truly give a shit about her or as an alternative somehow just ''go'' with it all. I feel as if I have a compulsive need to make something happen all the time, rather than waiting to see what happens.I really hope I'm not overstepping myself tho, last thing I want to make right now are mistakes. Everything I care about currently is very very dear to me. I guess what I learned from it all is the fact that my feelings and myself is definitely in place and correct. Resist temptation to gain order and discipline.
Sometimes it's so hard just to keep in control your desire, and I'm not talking about lust, I'd say I'm simpler than that. Just to get that connection/connectedness with another. I've discovered the warmth of hugs. In some sense I crave that bond between two... Remain calm I keep telling myself, yet my heart would love to leap every time I think on it..
I've been speechless for the better part of last week and this week. I just don't really have that much to say,

I'm just sitting, waiting, wishing.

Speechless

It's not that I don't have anything to say.

I just... don't need to.

I would like to describe what I feel, but I honestly don't know. I have never been here before. As if I was walking into an adventure, but without the excitement and anxiety

I'm not empty, nor do I feel fed up or sad, I'm not happy, but it's the most positive feeling I've felt. I'm not frustrated. I am tired, but when I think about ... it all just fades.

I'm moving at a hundred thousand kilometers an hour, but my world is just standing still. I am left speechless.

 I've never been shut up like this before. Not that I don't want to speak. I just want to stare... I could say a thousand sentences, but there is no combination of words that can describe where I am right now.

I just see you.

I'm not falling in love either, I've fallen before, I know what it's like, I'm sure.

I would like to portray you with a thousand words, but I can not. I simply am unable to put into words what I see. I'm stunned, but not stumped...

I'm like a child who's given an opal. And I just stare.


I don't know much better than this right now.

---

For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel alone.

Thank you.

Dazed and confused

''I've been here before..'' as I inhale deeply.
''These city walls have gotten to me again'' I drop off some ash from my lit cigarette into the white bone ashtray.
The ashtray looked relatively normal, with the exception of the outer face of the ashtray has been carved in some handmade tribal fashion.

''I've been here before... It sometimes really gets to me.''

I finish off the cigarette and take my feet off the table to reach for the whiskey bottle on my desk with a glass next to it.

I had a full bottle of champagne on my desk, I didn't bother to open it, there's just nothing to celebrate. But the ice inside the bucked is definitely going to be useful.

I took some ice and made myself whiskey on the rocks.

''... I've been working from seven seven seven to eleven every night it kinda makes my life a drag...'' 

''What a song... just what I needed, extra reasons..''

There hasn't been a case in weeks. I was starting to dry up on my savings and was getting worried about paying off last months rent and getting more food to survive....

I fixed myself a drink; some ice, whiskey and a mint leaf.

I rocked back into my leather chair and kicked my feet on the table.
The drink was on my lap.

I stared into the city lights then took a sip of whiskey.

''Ahhh...'' I sighed as I relaxed myself.