How he works

I'm still God's, I'm still accepted by him, even after disowning him briefly.
It's just a lesson I was to learn, I trust in him much more after this. I feel much better, he's slowly taking away fear from my heart, and it really feels good. I wish more people would try to accept God, like I tried at first, and then He just.. Hugs you. He's like a Father who lets his children learn and experience a little bit of danger, in the end if the child gets hurt he's still going crying to their father. YHWH(Yahweh) is truly the one living God. I promise that you will find peace when you believe in Him and his Son Yahushua(Jesus). It may seem strange, and it is strange. And I promise you, Love is strange. Love is the strangest emotion you can ever feel, and it is the best emotion you can share with anyone.

With small acts of kindness you will transform into a better person, why would you think it's shameful or ''wrong'' to give that beggar a little bit of your money? Why would you think that, he needs to get a job when you don't realize that you can't even get a job without an address. There is no cost to kindness, no money can ever be defined with the feeling you get from showing love and affection towards another person. I ask myself, why is it so hard to preach love? Why do I feel ridiculed when I speak that Jesus is the way towards love, especially when love is what we all want, I'm certain of it.

Don't give in to temptations that destroy your very human nature, and don't give up on what you really want, to be alive. And my God, please do not accept to become a slave to someone wicked. Find the Truth, don't give up. EVER.

Lamb

I now understand the analogy between the shepherd and the sheep.

I truly am a lamb in the eyes of Jesus. And it must be so difficult to get your flock to a better place in a terrain such as this world. I stumble and I get stuck, I constantly cry out to my shepherd because I'm in peril. And I'm in peril because I'm without him, without him I'd be lost, I'd be eaten up by wolves. And I'm so afraid to be left behind, but every time, I just can no longer get up, he comes to me and picks me up and carries me just a little bit further from the place where I was stumbling. He is teaching me how to walk, how to traverse this land, how to truly become a sheep, who can finally climb mountains ever so high, but who would never leave their Loving shepherd, because that's who made you who you are. And yes ofc I have highs and I have lows, darkness overcomes me day in and day out, but every time I turn to him I try a little harder not to rely on him, but every single time I just stumble and get hurt more than before, I need him to survive, that's quite literal. And I let him lead me, because I know my shepherd is the only one who knows how to get out of this forsaken land and into better places. He literally is the light in the darkness. I've traveled the darkness for long enough, I am enjoying the presence of his light. I will follow. And be it a shooting star, not many even notice, because they don't look to the sky. But if you follow, you will see it :)

Love of God

''Jesus is a gentleman, he won't just intrude into your heart. You have to first open the door for him.''

I thought about it today, when people say that it's so creepy when someone says that God is watching them. Well.. now that I somewhat understand God I find it not creepy at all and actually soothing. In my past self, not in light I would have said yes, the thought truly is creepy, but that's only because I wanted to hide from him. I wanted to hide myself from God. I did things like smoke pot, watch violence etc etc, and obviously I wouldn't want God my heavenly father to catch me doing all that. Now I've unlocked my door, I am really pushing very hard to try and not to sin, I've cut back on almost everything that I do not actually need. I feel much better and much more whole when I know that I'm no longer destroying myself for the sake of ''entertainment''. Now I question who was it entertaining for in the first place. I see the violence, I see the perversion of this world, the desire to just give up on trying and just go with the flow. It's horrible. Why would anyone want to drink alcohol and party so hard only to feel so bad tomorrow? What exactly does that achieve? What is one running away from when they turn on the TV or a videogame and refuse to talk to anyone about anything really. Why do we need all this ''entertainment'' to entertain ourselves so that we wouldn't have to deal with life right? Oddly enough once you give up on all that entertainment, I for one discovered family, that I've pushed away. They've been doing the same and now that I shine light upon that, each and every family member now understands that yeah.. why were we doing that, we should hang out have fun family time together. Help each other out when we can. Once you open yourself up to God and start really learning who Jesus is, you start becoming a better man. Not this vague illusion that you've told yourself that yeah.. I'm a good man because I can list all the good things I've done for each finger of my hand. That's not a good man, when you truly want to do good, you just do good, you don't expect anything for it, you don't need anything for it, the world is so void of beauty of love that it is LITERALLY collapsing in on itself. Love is selflessness, God teaches you love through Jesus. Who doesn't want to love, it is literally the only thing you people go around talking and thinking about, be it in movies be it wherever. We've started to mistake Lust for LOVE? What? Lust has nothing to do with love, if someone is sexually attractive, does that make them lovely, loveable? What truly makes a human beautiful is their soul, and when that soul is full of love of God, then truly I tell you, those people SHINE.

How and why?

So...
things were getting bad
I mean bad. I just didnt even know anymore, decided to just call everything in life with one phrase ''fuck it''. So I decided that shit won't get better anyway, might as well go as deep as you can go and start over so I decided to do LSD.
never will I LSD again obviously, but what I experienced... More like what I was ALLOWED to experience by the LORD was nothing short of amazing. I felt like I was the creator. funnily enough everything was kinda given to me at that point. I saw things appear out of thin air and just materialize itself. Such as flowers etc etc. Now the most particular part about that trip was.. I constantly kept thinking about the bible. I was with a chick, and we broke into a garden. ALL I was thinking was .. oh my .. this is like the garden of eden. and it was. We both ate apples. and I started following her, in my head thinking, so the serpent wants to go further. okay so then everything yknow started appearing in front of me and I even got stuck at one point, literally.. stuck inside a wall inside the garden, she had to make a pathway to come get me. Yes I'm aware it was just drugs, however.. it felt like I was in gods presence oddly enough, and NOT satan who created the drug. For example, when we needed to get a taxi back home since we were out of town, at first we didn't get ANY taxis, no reception or no free taxis available, so we decided to walk. next thing I know, taxis everywhere, just driving by just like that. So everything was handed to me like that.
Now at first I didn't think much of it. of the entire trip, it was overwhelming ofc. and I just was like.. well that's that. And I kinda .. fell into darkness again, not as deep. Then this girl(unrelated to the lsd trip) started talking to me about Jesus
and being in the state of mind of .. fuck it.. I just decided to give God a chance. I asked for a sign. OK if you're really there then go ahead, show me, prove to me that you exist. I did get a sign sadly I do not remember what it was. a few days go by, I keep talking to that girl, and more and more I decided that yes, Jesus is for me.
So then I was like.. fair enough, should got to a gathering, a church, something. I decided to go for 3D kogudus. and WOW what a day. at first ofc I felt ''oh man I really don't want to go etc etc'' but I figured.. ''I owe this much to God that I should just go today''. Okay so I went. I was listening to music as usualy, theme was ''leaving satan behind'' sort of.. though the music itself was not of CHristian nature, but it did carry the ''letting him go'' tune. okay so I notice people staring at me, but not normally but a little bit puzzled as if I was to leave then. I figured it must be somehow how I look. or something. figured whatever, just listen to music and stare out of the window and think about God and Jesus.
Next thing I know, the song while still playing suddenly changed. to ''Celebration day'' by Led Zeppelin which if you don't know carry the lyrics:

''My, my, my, I'm so happy,
I'm gonna join the band,
We are gonna sing and dance in celebration,
We are in the promised land.''

now as that verse came on, I see a cross on a house I've driven by about a thousand times. I'VE NEVER noticed a cross on that house, EVER
then I'm thinking to myself.. well I must be in the right place then, and going to the right place. okay the 3d kogudus was awesome, somehow the THEME was perfect just for me, it talked about dedication to what we want out of life and what we believe in. literally keyword being DEDICATION. Okay so I kinda got to know them a little bit. And ended up going home. on the busride I asked the Lord once again, if he's still there with me to show me a sign, and he did so with another random song( I have about 500 + songs on my phone, it could have been ANY one and it was set on random) as soon as I asked and pressed 'next song' . Simple plan - One came on ,which is a song about belonging to something greater basically. Then I felt this urge to talk to this young man who was clearly out of it, he was standing back first towards everyone in the bus, somehow between the door and the midway of the trolley. BUT I begged the lord to not make me do it because I just didn't feel OK with going and talking to a random person, I wanted him to give me another chance, just not that boy. once I made up my mind that yep, I won't talk to him, the boy AT THAT POINT when I came to the conclusion just walked to the front of the bus and got off, with me. But he was walking ridiculously fast and I couldn't keep up so I had to let go.
In the bus stop I see an old woman, completely out, just in a fetal position inside her own filth being almost unconscious
so I figured, now or never. and I started talking to her
telling her things like, God wants her and it's not all lost, she just has to trust in God to show her the way. she opened up and very very reluctantly I got her to say a prayer with me.
okay so I ended leaving her, I told her in advance that I have to go home, but God Will get her, but you need to think about things first and figure out if you want him in your life.
So I went home, feeling pretty good about myself. I prayed for her, then asked the lord, if I did good, if I really did something worthwhile. I asked him to show me a sign again with music like he had done before
so yet again. ''next''
and the song ''SHUT UP!'' came along, I just laughed out loud, God really does have a sense of humor. I finished the song. and another one came up straight after with the lyrics ''trust in me, I won't let you down'' and when that point hit, I just looked into the sky since it was a pretty nice looking vista, and I see, in the clouds. An almost perfect eye was watching me. I'm not even shitting you, even the IRIS of the eye was darker than the outlining. I didn't take a picture, but I think I'd rather remember it than have a photograph do it for me. To that i just said '' Hey lord, thank you'

Seriously though...

Start making steps towards God, and Jesus!

No matter if it seems crazy, no matter if you get Hate for it. God Loves You! I promise you that once you give Him a chance, your life WILL change. Just please try and give Jesus a chance. You will feel better if you're feeling empty! You will feel Love when you're loveless! You will start seeing the world more for what it really is. It's so dark it's so so void of humanity it's just not right anymore. Jesus Can and WILL save you, but you have to make the first step and at least TRY to understand him. Please Children of God, at least once, try!

Myself, I do not feel the need to sin anymore, I've stopped drugs, I've stopped porn, I've stopped violent thoughts, I've stopped hating my life and my family for no reason, I've stopped all this madness. And I've taken up praying instead. Try to pray, just wish good for someone even yourself if you're selfish. I'm learning to be Selfless, I'm learning how to actually truly mean well to someone instead of saying something good to them so that they get what they want to hear. I really really wholeheartedly wish people would start taking their life seriously, enough with the games, enough with the drinking, drugs, sex. You've had your fill! Why do you want to destroy yourself? For what reason?  Please start making your life better and cleanse yourself from Evil, you don't even have to turn to God to do it, just take it upon yourself and TRY! If you can't ,then ask God or Jesus to help you, and TRY AGAIN!

Põhjatu armastus!

''MA ARMASTAN TEID TOHUTUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Küsige Jumala ja Jeesuse käest!'' Need olid mu ainsad mõtted, kui arvasin, et suren tol ööl. Pretty fucked up, perhaps. But the weirder it sounds the more sense it starts to make. God loves you, but you have to give him a chance before you give up on him. He will never give up on you, why should you?