I see you and talk to you. I know what you expect me to do, but my heart..My forsaken heart fails me of fear. I have no obedience towards you, but I yearn you I want to, but I don't get it!
I just do not understand. I know I recognize and acknowledge what I need to do and why it is important, but I am unable to do it I just don't know[UNDERSTAND].
What am I missing, what do I not know then?
Is it pride? Then destroy my prideful soul for it is not worthy of your presence.
Is it meekness? Then destroy my abilities, cast me down for I am not worthy of your presence.
Is it persecution that I am afraid of? Then persecute me, bring me to shame until I have no more fear of persecution.
My heart is broken in so many ways, my soul is drenched with worry, my spirit however is steady and waiting for me, but I can not follow.
Sadness and tears overtake me as you rebuke me, as you reject me, because I am not worthy of you. I do not follow you and I am never yours because I have rejected you.
I am alone I am astray, I'm dying and doomed and not eligible for life.
Speak the gospel to this one, or that one or that one. I do not understand what am I supposed to do or act, I have no words but fear. I have the knowledge I have the authority, but I have this fear. I can not I will not submit, and it is not to my benefit.
I know not of my iniquity and I am forsaken by it. "If you loved me, you would have done as I said" and these words will destroy me when the time is here. And the time is now.
I have failed and as I write this I realize I only focus on myself. "Now is not the time to fall, now is not the time to give up".
Faith without works is dead, but works without faith is religion.
I have nothing and will get nothing.
Then cast me out to the place where there is darkness, weeping and gnashing of teeth.
As I weep and look to you with a broken soul, my essence my being, my everything is breaking under you, and I will become the salt of the Earth, that has lost its savor, that you will trample.
I'm sorry, but I can't let go, I don't know how to.
