What it means to be human.

L**e is rejecting me. I don't for a second think that it is to hurt me. If anything I'm certain that she would have it any other way if it were simply possible. I don't think I have ever really felt such a strong feeling for anyone. I am not going to sugar coat it, I love someone. And I am certain of this. For a psychologist to understand, what I feel is complete faith, complete acceptance, complete willingness to understand, complete desire to do well for her and by her, complete craving for her emotions. It is not by far as sexual as I've experienced love beforehand, it is way beyond what I'm used to and what I have ever felt.

 I honestly did not even think in the past, that I could ever feel this much emotion again. Scarily it's even more than it was the first time I witnessed love. I never knew that I could even love this deeply.

The harshest lesson to learn, is to learn how to love unconditionally. 

I'm scared, afraid that this love can never be mine, no matter how much strength I put into me and it. This love is not for me and I do not understand why. I truly don't know why I or why God am/is so unnecessarily cruel to me. I honestly don't know why or even what must I learn. I am in pieces and dying. I didn't know you can feel so much heartache even when you've never actually had a romantic relationship. I didn't know I would give my world away to someone who claims inability to love. I didn't know that she actually deserves me the most out of all the world. She doesn't ask for a guardian angel , but her soul calls out to me in despair. I didn't know that I could cry in front of my loved one and feel that she understands me, yet she doesn't say a word. I didn't know that there is no cure for this. It's so difficult to admit that even with all your heart, with all your logic and reason I simply don't know what to do.

I am in pieces.

Tonight I dance alone

Mother I've seen too much, I hate to live my life
Forgot every word you told me, stubborn little child, (angel of your life)
I have to find my Eden now, the gates I left behind
But the pain will remain
No power to gain

Now I have time to dwell on self awareness, dreadful crime
I saw the colors too bright, not knowing that I was blind
I slayed a man who took a chance and drank the forbidden wine
The map I draw reveals that I have been complete , a machine indeed




Faith is inching away from my heart. Slowly I lose to life only to self-destruct.
I can no longer breathe like I used to, I can no longer hope like I used to.
Losing my touch of reality, I fall into insanity. This vessel I govern is becoming tedious to maintain. Annoyed by my misfortune I think of slaying my own being to free me from these shackles of belief. Fate take my soul and do so fast, before I take control. I've thought of writing down all my knowledge before I cave. I can no longer give anything other than what I know. My love has dried up, my soul screams escape.

I hoped to live and die in your arms, but love is driving me to an early grave. Words and logic take me in as a disciple of life. Universe has not forgotten about me, but I don't think I care much for what's in store for me at this point. I suppose it's all pointless anyway, I've lived here for so long and so many times, that there's nothing I haven't seen or experienced. Death is not really that scary, I suppose it's similar to being born. If I managed that sort of pain, then I'm sure death is a walk in the park.

I'm not depressed at all though, just burnt out. I feel my inner fire, from a roaring blaze, all that's left is a twindeling candle flame.

End take me, I accept your embrace, I long for your warmth.

A lit cigarette is keeping me company tonight.

Careless about the smoke stinging my eyes. A quiet day, all of it for me, alone.
I've been here I don't know how many times. This form of solitude is pretty much home for me already. Not that it's so enjoyable, it's just that I've gotten used to it. Even though faith is cruel to me, I find that I'm pretty good company for myself. It's good to sometimes know that even though nobody will pick me up, I'm always here for myself, leaving small pieces of love around to discover later.

I don't think I'm a stupid man, foolish perhaps, but I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong with me. Why am I so difficult to actually love. Do I make it hard myself? I know that consistency is key in any form of relationships, but it just feels like I'm hopeless. Who in their right mind would actually give a shit about a, for lack of a better word, weirdo like me. I know many things, I know many answers to questions that trouble us collectively, that seems useful, no? I try and give my best for the world and its' people. I'm capable for a lot of love, I just would much rather condense it towards a single entity at least for a little while. Until I'm used to being loved I don't think I can give much more than what I have given so far. And I don't think I'll get anywhere anytime soon..
This weird feeling of emptiness is a little different than what I'm a kin to. I don't know if I'm depressed, but I just feel done. Out of my place, out of my time-frame, out of everyones heart. I don't know what to think. I'm just sort of... dying.

'A phoenix in its last hours always burns brightest.'

I'm definitely too young to feel this burnt out. I don't know if this is normal.

Why is it so fucking difficult to get to me anyway? Do I have this invisible shield that blocks away what I really really need and desire. Fuck, I don't think there will be much rejoice once I've left, yet why push me away? I'm well aware of the terms ''clearly there's a lesson you need to learn from it all'', but honestly what the fuck do I have to learn in my situation? ''Hey guess what, you'll end up on your own, accept it.'' And what the fuck am I talking like an 80 year old man for? Has life really ground me so thin that I just can no longer cope with it..

Sometimes I want to just go back to it all, as a soul. I've got better things to do than fight faith. I'm not okay with just barely surviving.

I've stopped eating properly.. maybe a meal a day, maybe a snack here and there. But even that is far and few between. I dare say I'm a little bit worried. On the other hand, why worry, it won't make much of a difference.

Maybe I am a little bit too eccentric and honestly, if someone would tell me the things I've told people, I would stay clear myself, if I had their point of view/level of consciousness. Myself however, I don't have a difficult time understanding why people do the things I do and I can almost 100% empathize with them. I don't really understand why this is going under-appreciated though. At least as I understand, that collectively people would like to know more people like me. I'm trying to give people what they want and need. And since I'm not that needy myself, then I guess all this room in me should be spent on you. Though I do so very badly miss ''touch''. I'm having a really difficult time coping with the fact that there won't be much affection for me for the times to come. And no I don't really find much appreciation in friendship. I have plenty of friends. Of course I don't mind meeting new people and becoming friends. But that is just not what I'm looking for...

Maybe I just don't deserve a lover or to be happy. Maybe that's why I've taught myself to get along with this vessel as best I can, because there's not much more for me anyway.

 I like to think that it's more like the world giving me a giant fuck you. Irony is that, I know for a fact that it's myself that is creating this reality for me.

One thing is for certain, life just blows..

Narcissism

And so dawns the darkest hour of my life.

The sun sets and night engulfs my soul. I willingly step forth. The bell has struck 5 times, eve will take this moment. It's a beautiful day.

 Even now, I absolutely love this place. I think I kinda like math now. strange I don't think I've been here before... I just - don't have anything . I am done, empty, I've allowed you to eat me and have been waiting for this day for quite some time. Grab your last mouthful because there is nothing left.

Don't wanna be sly and defile you

Desecrate my mind and rely on you

I just wanna break this crown

But it's hard when I'm so run down

And you're so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal

Got to bring myself back from the dead

Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made

Everything's wrong every time

Pushing on I can't escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its sweet time?

Holding on I'm lost in a haze

Fighting life to the end of my days

Don't wanna be rude but I have to

Nothing's good about the hell you put me through

I just need to look around

See that life that has come unbound

And you're so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal

Got to bring myself back from the dead

Sometimes, I hate, the life I made

Everything's wrong every time

Pushing on I can't escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Sometimes, I hate, the life I made

Everything's wrong every time

Pushing on I can't escape

Everything that comes my way

Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Holding on I'm lost in a haze

Fighting life to the end of my days

Holding on I'm lost in a haze

Fighting life to the end of my days

Conundrum

I'm left uneasy

Seeing you still makes me smile every time.

Somehow I've misplaced my self-confidence. I'm left here speculating over my own worth. Do I even deserve a seat in front the hearth of my tree of light.

Carry me on wings of light, be just to my soul and heart.
For I am a child whose love for the world has not yet been quenched.
 Drenched in doubt and belief, I am a castaway in front of an oasis of truth. Make me believe that I'm left with reality and not some twisted mirage, a mind trick to fool a fool.
Breathe one more time, show me how I can live. Draw life, I believe in your art. Just don't expect gold, because Davy Jones's Locker holds only my heart.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


I keep slipping in and out of my systems and reality. All of a sudden I'm just stuck in my head and afraid that I will never really be loved. Coming back to reality, I realize I already am being loved, until I slip away into doubt and find myself in a repeating circle. Emotionally I am quite drained, oddly enough a rather good cure for feeling drained is simply look at your ''her''. ''She'' definitely gives me energy and a positive vibe, without her I would be in a much much darker place. Naturally I can not thank her enough. I wish there was something I could do to prove this, how much I truly give a shit about her or as an alternative somehow just ''go'' with it all. I feel as if I have a compulsive need to make something happen all the time, rather than waiting to see what happens.I really hope I'm not overstepping myself tho, last thing I want to make right now are mistakes. Everything I care about currently is very very dear to me. I guess what I learned from it all is the fact that my feelings and myself is definitely in place and correct. Resist temptation to gain order and discipline.
Sometimes it's so hard just to keep in control your desire, and I'm not talking about lust, I'd say I'm simpler than that. Just to get that connection/connectedness with another. I've discovered the warmth of hugs. In some sense I crave that bond between two... Remain calm I keep telling myself, yet my heart would love to leap every time I think on it..
I've been speechless for the better part of last week and this week. I just don't really have that much to say,

I'm just sitting, waiting, wishing.

Speechless

It's not that I don't have anything to say.

I just... don't need to.

I would like to describe what I feel, but I honestly don't know. I have never been here before. As if I was walking into an adventure, but without the excitement and anxiety

I'm not empty, nor do I feel fed up or sad, I'm not happy, but it's the most positive feeling I've felt. I'm not frustrated. I am tired, but when I think about ... it all just fades.

I'm moving at a hundred thousand kilometers an hour, but my world is just standing still. I am left speechless.

 I've never been shut up like this before. Not that I don't want to speak. I just want to stare... I could say a thousand sentences, but there is no combination of words that can describe where I am right now.

I just see you.

I'm not falling in love either, I've fallen before, I know what it's like, I'm sure.

I would like to portray you with a thousand words, but I can not. I simply am unable to put into words what I see. I'm stunned, but not stumped...

I'm like a child who's given an opal. And I just stare.


I don't know much better than this right now.

---

For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel alone.

Thank you.

Dazed and confused

''I've been here before..'' as I inhale deeply.
''These city walls have gotten to me again'' I drop off some ash from my lit cigarette into the white bone ashtray.
The ashtray looked relatively normal, with the exception of the outer face of the ashtray has been carved in some handmade tribal fashion.

''I've been here before... It sometimes really gets to me.''

I finish off the cigarette and take my feet off the table to reach for the whiskey bottle on my desk with a glass next to it.

I had a full bottle of champagne on my desk, I didn't bother to open it, there's just nothing to celebrate. But the ice inside the bucked is definitely going to be useful.

I took some ice and made myself whiskey on the rocks.

''... I've been working from seven seven seven to eleven every night it kinda makes my life a drag...'' 

''What a song... just what I needed, extra reasons..''

There hasn't been a case in weeks. I was starting to dry up on my savings and was getting worried about paying off last months rent and getting more food to survive....

I fixed myself a drink; some ice, whiskey and a mint leaf.

I rocked back into my leather chair and kicked my feet on the table.
The drink was on my lap.

I stared into the city lights then took a sip of whiskey.

''Ahhh...'' I sighed as I relaxed myself.