Careless about the smoke stinging my eyes. A quiet day, all of it for me, alone.
I've been here I don't know how many times. This form of solitude is pretty much home for me already. Not that it's so enjoyable, it's just that I've gotten used to it. Even though faith is cruel to me, I find that I'm pretty good company for myself. It's good to sometimes know that even though nobody will pick me up, I'm always here for myself, leaving small pieces of love around to discover later.
I don't think I'm a stupid man, foolish perhaps, but I can't for the life of me figure out what's wrong with me. Why am I so difficult to actually love. Do I make it hard myself? I know that consistency is key in any form of relationships, but it just feels like I'm hopeless. Who in their right mind would actually give a shit about a, for lack of a better word, weirdo like me. I know many things, I know many answers to questions that trouble us collectively, that seems useful, no? I try and give my best for the world and its' people. I'm capable for a lot of love, I just would much rather condense it towards a single entity at least for a little while. Until I'm used to being loved I don't think I can give much more than what I have given so far. And I don't think I'll get anywhere anytime soon..
This weird feeling of emptiness is a little different than what I'm a kin to. I don't know if I'm depressed, but I just feel done. Out of my place, out of my time-frame, out of everyones heart. I don't know what to think. I'm just sort of... dying.
'A phoenix in its last hours always burns brightest.'
I'm definitely too young to feel this burnt out. I don't know if this is normal.
Why is it so fucking difficult to get to me anyway? Do I have this invisible shield that blocks away what I really really need and desire. Fuck, I don't think there will be much rejoice once I've left, yet why push me away? I'm well aware of the terms ''clearly there's a lesson you need to learn from it all'', but honestly what the fuck do I have to learn in my situation? ''Hey guess what, you'll end up on your own, accept it.'' And what the fuck am I talking like an 80 year old man for? Has life really ground me so thin that I just can no longer cope with it..
Sometimes I want to just go back to it all, as a soul. I've got better things to do than fight faith. I'm not okay with just barely surviving.
I've stopped eating properly.. maybe a meal a day, maybe a snack here and there. But even that is far and few between. I dare say I'm a little bit worried. On the other hand, why worry, it won't make much of a difference.
Maybe I am a little bit too eccentric and honestly, if someone would tell me the things I've told people, I would stay clear myself, if I had their point of view/level of consciousness. Myself however, I don't have a difficult time understanding why people do the things I do and I can almost 100% empathize with them. I don't really understand why this is going under-appreciated though. At least as I understand, that collectively people would like to know more people like me. I'm trying to give people what they want and need. And since I'm not that needy myself, then I guess all this room in me should be spent on you. Though I do so very badly miss ''touch''. I'm having a really difficult time coping with the fact that there won't be much affection for me for the times to come. And no I don't really find much appreciation in friendship. I have plenty of friends. Of course I don't mind meeting new people and becoming friends. But that is just not what I'm looking for...
Maybe I just don't deserve a lover or to be happy. Maybe that's why I've taught myself to get along with this vessel as best I can, because there's not much more for me anyway.
I like to think that it's more like the world giving me a giant fuck you. Irony is that, I know for a fact that it's myself that is creating this reality for me.
One thing is for certain, life just blows..
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