Questionable misery

Perhaps, I've fooled everyone by now... I don't know why, but I'd much rather let people think of me as an idiot. Maybe it's time I knock it off, and emerge into my glory once again, maybe it's time for yet again, a change. This game is now tiring me completely, time to let go... I should pick up where I left my being, at the start of the school year, the thirst for knowledge I had then is replaced with thirst for blood by now. I don't really see that as beneficial though, no longer at least. Feelings, do I know any besides anger anymore? I know I did, I still do from time to time, it's one of those days when light shines bright and everything around me is tolerable. Though, yet again, I'm fed up, I'm sick of this and that, of everything. There are things I do, which I feel bad about, but I do it for self satisfaction, well as satisfying as it can be... I don't know if I should just ignore life and completely push it away, mysticism and mystery that soulful hunger that I have, maybe I should start feeding my spirit instead of myself. But how to do it? I seem to be kept from it, held back... is it not time yet? One of the factors that keeps me, is love, I'm sure. Love is good right now, I'm not even too sick from it to my surprise(after having some thought behind it), there are yes, things I'd change, but it seems to me, that all what I would change is inevitable thus pointless to even try. It's never pointless to try though, at least you remember that... I've noticed that I teach others what I've failed at, I teach from my own experience, which is a good trait in my eyes, but ... I don't let others teach me. Am I really that experience bound, that I HAVE to do it myself and fail at it myself in order to get clarification that it's not doable at that time? Why can't I learn from other peoples experience? Yes, I can learn facts and common knowledge and knowledge in general, but actual useful every day situational knowledge I can only learn so little.. There is no point in existence other than ''to exist''. Though it does matter what do you do with that existence. I'd love to do more, I'd love to be a different person, but I'm being kept from it, why? Why can't I love one more than other people? Why can't I do anything, and do a lot, like other people? Why am I gifted, yet kept from using my abilities? What exactly do people expect from me? I don't do anything other than reason, I reason with people, I tell them what they want to hear but don't expect to. I am a guideline for people, sure, but right now, how? How do I help this worthless bunch? Take them through fire and flames? Will that really help? It gets results, but is it for the best interest of others? I wouldn't mind helping out every now and then, yet I'm never expected to be a person who will help out. And I'm not expected to be the person who drops out, neither am I anywhere in the middle... Uniqueness ? Am I unique? Not in the sens of ''everyone is unique'' but in the sense of actual genuine uniqueness, do I differ from others or not? Does it matter? Well clearly it does, I like to shine my own way, but if I've lost the way, I don't exactly shine, rather absorb light... I'm past event horizon I can only see the darkness ahead of me, I can imagine the outcome... Experience, that would be a true experience, live through life. An experience that everyone has, but no one notices or cherishes; neither do I.. As it's been made clear, I reflect upon situations, not emit anything myself, other than emptiness that clears out every unwanted feelings and whatnot, so that everything that comes in, is reflected back perfectly. I noticed I've done this for all my life... And life found a way to make me vulnerable, made me take down my mirror shield, and all I found is demons on the other side... Heh, kind of ironical... Demons behind a mirror... *grin*. It seems I'm reentering depression.. This time I don't seem angry, which would indicate that I'm no longer frustrated, leaving me with sorrow; the second state of cleansing. It's not too far into the future when I'm an ''angel'' type once again, but what kind... Just wishing good doesn't make you a saint.. Don't want to be a saint.. Argh, all of this is of no importance.. - Yknow, misery isn't all that bad. I kind of like myself miserable... All I need to do is clear my head, achieve my genious and misery will be all fine settled within me, who knows maybe even a little bit of insanity would be involved ... I wouldn't mind.

Isamaalisus...

Ma ei loe ennast isamaaliseks inimeseks, kohe kindlasti mitte, vähemalt pole ma sellise Eestimaa suhtes isamaaline. Muidugi võib ju küsida, mis sellel Eestimaal viga? Ei olegi nüüd päris midagi viga, lihtsalt see ei ole lähedane mulle... AGA kui nüüd rääkida Eesti ajaloost ''endisest Eestist'' , siis tundub see olevat poole rohkem hinge lähedasem kui see, mis ma igapäev aknast näen... Tegemist on rahva ühtsusega, see jõud, mis meid kunagi koos hoidis on tänaseks ladestunud :/. Jah muidugi, ei ole ma ise ka just vastuvõttlik teiste suhtes, kuid seda sellepärast, nende olemus ei ole see, mis ma tahaksin...igatsen? Inimesed kellega ma igapäev räägin, nad on tänapäeva inimesed, mina otseloomulikult kaasaarvatud, kuid ma eeldan, et neil pole seda tunnet, mida ma tunnen päevast päeva. Ma ei tea, kas asi on minus, või kõik see EU liit, kuhu kuulume, viib meid veel rohkem üksteisest eemale, eks ta ehk eesmärk olegi... Kõik rahvas muutub ühteks suureks valgeks lambaks ning juured, mis kunagi meile me kodumaa andsid on unustatud. Ma ei tunne nii ainult Eesti/eestlaste suhtes muidugi... Vaatan kõikjale märkan, et inimesed on samasugused, kõik nad on...jah.. ÜHTSED, aga mitte kokkuhoidvad, mitte hoolivad. Ma ei ütle nüüd, et me peaksime hoolima hakkama kõigist ja kõigest, ei kõiki tuleks kohelda nii, nagu nad välja teeninud on, mida me muidugi ei tee... Samas kui nüüd mõelda, siis teiste suhtes sümpaatia näitamine ka midagi ei muudaks, nii mõnigi meist on kõige kurja juur, kes ehk ei väärigi andestust... või siis väärib. Ma ei usu, et inimesed siia ''loodud'' on selleks, et kurja teha, ei seda mitte. Pigem oleks vastupidi, aga kuna me ise ka päris ei tea, mis me tahame, siis ma leian, et me veedame enamus oma ajast peegel-pilved silmade ees, selleks et midagi ei näeks peale enda. Veidral kombel igatsengi ühtsust, korda; aega, kus kõigil oli oma koht ja eesmärk. Hetkel asi hajub... Kas eesmärki ja kohta polegi, või on need kõigil üks ja see sama - mida rohkem meid sünnib, seda kaugemale kukume me puust, juurtest; sellest, kes me tegelikult oleme. Ei saa öelda, et oleksin parema meelega sündinud kuskil hiliskeskajal, sest seda olen ehk juba teinud, ei saa vanade asjade külge ka liiga kaua kinni jääda, samas juuri ei tohiks ka kohe kindlasti unustada, see on väga oluline, et nii ei juhtuks. Miks? Sest, kui me unustame ära, kes me tegelikult oleme, hakkab meie kaitsesüsteem teiste suhtes nürinema, kurjus kui selline hakkab aina rohkem välja paistma, sest selline massiivne ühtsus mornistab meie hinge. Selle ühtse halli vooluga kaasas käia tundub küll lihtne, ehk ongi lihtne, aga kas see tasub end ära? Võibolla kadu on suurem kui paistab? Isehakkajad või isepäised jobud nagu mina, ei jõua sugugi kaugemale, kuid teist teed proovida ja endale truuks jääda ehk tasub ära? Mulle tundub, et valikuvarjante hakkab ka vähemaks jääma, tundub küll, et: ''ohh, nii palju erinevaid maitsed, võimalusi, meelelahutusi, mida teha!'' , aga kui nüüd peale vaadata, siis tegelikult kõik on ju täpselt sama, ning elutee hakkab aina kitsamaks ja kitsamaks minema. Kaval süsteem küll, aga sellele vastu hakata poleks ehk võimatu... Võtame näiteks juura ja koristaja ametid, kaks täiesti erineva klassi ametit ja täiesti erinevat haridustaset nõudev. Neil on lõppkokkuvõtteks ikkagist sama ülesanne, teiste saasta ülesse koristada. Kas ühte või teist pidi. Ükskõik, mis me ka ei teeks, tundub olevat seos kõige muuga, nojah.. süsteem on selle nimi...Kuid tänu sellele süsteemile, unustame ära endi, sest me tahame võistelda- ,,ole parem teisest koristajast, ning sind premeeritakse, oled halvem, siis saad kinga''. Meid sunnitakse võistlema, meid sunnitakse eralduma teistest, minna individuaalseks, unustada kõik muu peale enda, isegi unustada minevik, sest me ei saa end segada faktorist ''kes me oleme''. Ma ei oska kuidagi enam suhtuda, sellesse maailma, armastada või vihata, poleks ju vahet vist, ei saaks sellest maailmamuutjat, kuid õige on öelda ''alati alusta iseendast''. Seda võib olla, et teen, kuid ma ei näe hetkel, kuidas minu muutus teisi ühtseks muudaks - vastuvõttlikumaks ehk tõesti, kuid vastuvõttlikus ei ole vennalik suhtumine.

*smash* fuck you! - dealing with Frustration...

Holy .. shit... I have never ever ever been so frustrated in my life, anger sets deeper and deeper. I don't know what to do, I just feel like I wanna kick someones ass so bad, that their grandparents feel it. For real I don't know what's gone into me, but this anger is starting to get out of control and I don't really know how to deal with it anymore... To be honest, I'm kind of frightened myself, I'm worried about the sore fuck heads who think they know the world... The WORST part is, I'm one of them and that just pisses me off even more and makes me more of an egoist and even more to myself and even more depressed and even more angry and even more of an egoist etc.. THAT is not good, such matters should be looked into immediately, but I don't know how. Since I've never been in this sort of state before, I need to figure out a new system, great.. more introversion&milk please... IRONICALLY, I'm the one who listens to fucking Mozart classics and other classical and/or calm music, REALLY calm. What's up with that? Well, as I've said before... ''You may find yourself in a position in life in which you have no control,when you've reached that point hit restart and the controls are yours again...'' - I guess I reached this far... again, so I'm going to need to devise a plan how to fuck off for a while. May life have mercy upon you poor souls, you're going to need it.

What would you do?

Yet again I contemplate about life... All these structures, systems ,the big system.. all of it just to bound us... Why do we want to control, to manipulate, to create systems for our being, to destroy, to build... So little is left of our being, we're destroying everything we used to know, to call dear, everything that is truly close to our hearts. Why? Sure, I have a destructive nature towards people... well I developed it due to circumstances, I don't mind it, but I can very well be an exception, why does everyone else have to be like it, the general society just wants to destruct and construct constantly. Faster and faster... Why do we need to be up close all the time? Can we not just scatter around and live more or less a frugal life, be in lesser connections with one another and manage on our own. Wouldn't that make the entire worlds natural balance much more balanced? We ARE killing ourselves and EVERYTHING around us. Blind... so blind... I think in advancement, I'll grow into being ashamed to be a human, to be a creature that calls themselves intelligent, that calls themselves wise, that calls themselves advanced. I'm afraid we are neither of those things... him You and I are worthless when it all comes together...I don't understand, why are we focusing on ourselves, our being, why are we fighting ourselves, why do we not notice what's around us, we are not the only species on this planet, why don't we notice everything else, how they act, how they think, how they feed themselves. We're so focused around how to kill one another rather than how to aid nature or at least help ourselves... I don't have hope for you,us all. I am becoming ashamed to be this being, would I give it all up? Not life, but being a human... I don't know... Would you?

osavus...

Jah, ma olen äärmiselt võimekas, ma suutsin reedel oma jala välja väänata niivisi, et ma ei tohi teha nüüd 6 nädalat trenni jalg sinine ja puha, kvaliteet... Ja nüüd otsustasin veel haigeks ja jääda :D 39.1 palavik (Y) . Ma olen päris andekas...

PeevePeevePeeve BOOM Kabuush, piuu, Peeve...

Garh, I should really get some sleep... 2 in the morning is NOT the time when you should write a blog post, ESPECIALLY then when you don't really have shit to say, like you haven't said enough today, haven't had your daily dosage of saying shit that people don't even give the slightest shit about...or maybe that's just me? People have a tendency to be attention whores, yeah it shows quite well on me, doesn't it?(fucking asshole) And the more people do it, the less fucks are given about it, which means, all the IMPORTANT stuff that people NEED to say is lost into carelessness. Well that sucks, doesn't it? I mean.. if someone really has something to say and we just keep assuming that it's not worth the time, then we are missing out on reality, quiiite a lot... Then again, most of fucknuggets(by that I mean people) try to keep away from reality. . . Fucking why? Reality is much better than your best dream and your worst nightmare, it's a really nice blend of both, if you haven't figured that out by now then well, you're not very witty *insert a the part where you fellow Earth-dweller bitch about what I just said*. Another thing that ticks me off is when people assume this and assume that, SERIOUSLY who the fuck are you? You're not God, you don't know me *whoahuaa* (from gingers do have souls, something like that)... No, but seriously, stop assuming! At LEAST amongst friends, don't assume what your friends will or will not do, just accept the possibility that it may go a billion ways and by you assuming it that will really get the numbers quite small ( a.k.a you'd kinda wish for it to happen and it will ). Lets see.... what else don't I like... Alco...holicometers ... Yea, those things, why the fuck do you need that piece of plastic to tell you you're drunk, there's 2 options in being drunk, either.. you are .. or you aren't.. .why the fuck do you need a machine to tell you that? you: '' well it tells you how drunk you are Kevin'' Who, gives, a , fuck... when you've had alcohol and you think you're still drunk, chances are that you're fucking drunk, don't ask a machine to tell it for you, to be honest... actually do buy the fucking thing, because that way you'll waste money on that piece of shit than on alcohol or drugs or whatever you kids like to play with nowadays... you:'' oh my god Kevin, you keep thinking we're all the same, just because I drink rarely, doesn't make me drinker..'' yes it does, unless you can keep your fat ass away from that stuff for a year or so, then you're not... Another thing that really pisses you off, is when you go and eat some dinner and notice that there are no clean forks or spoons or anything left... the dishwasher is right there, but no one fucking bothers to turn the piece of shit on, REALLY wh.. but... it's just one small little movement, but NOO no-one does it, BUT if you try it yourself, the house practically catches fire.. what the fuck? How can one person be so awful in life? What I also get annoyed by is all the stuff you need to crowd control, and if you do it never fucking helps, but you have to anyway, cause it's worse if you don't.... Seriously, sugar yea.. when you need to put it in coffee while using a spoon... One... twooo... th...OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! ever get that? Food that you have to use your fork to sort of.. stab it...peas for example.. you can never just quite get that ONE(possibly 2) fucking pea on your fork or... over?? it.. a.k.a skewered on a fork... whatever...Computer files, yea, you always have to keep an eye on where the fuck you put this, put that, do it this way do it that way, same applies to computer games... BUT when you try and create shortcuts and new system types etc to deal with the problem... well.. Good Luck understanding what the shit is going on, cause it's too bloody complicated, there seems to be no Mid ground here... Weather, yea.. that bitch, you always need to fucking dress accordingly to please that whore, cause if you don't your ass will be either cold as fuck, wet, hot, freezing, chilly, dry.. whatever.... Acne... don't even fucking get me started on those fuckers... ARGH! In technology what really doesn't make it to Santa's good boy list is annoying phones, WHO gives a fuck if my phone has 9 billion niggawats of RAM, NO ONE, all you need ... is an mp3 player(preferably) a calling option and a text messaging option.. that's it? Internet is nice.. Camera? e... Don't really need it.. but it does come in handy when your ass is too lazy to write shit down... but that's pretty much it... no bluetooth, no rocket launcher, no insta word typing program that makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever in putting the most random words it can find in your message, no MMS ... does anyone even use that thing? multi media s.. sõnum.. :D, anyone? no? WHY HAVE IT? And last but not least... Time.. yep.. I can't even get started on how much that guy pisses me off... Always making me hurry there and there, always making me do this and that... FUCK YOU ! Let me sleep for once... no? :( ... I bet no one even read this to the end, it was probably like... you: *reads* '' oh fuck this, Kevin is bitching about something again, ain't gonna bother''

GRRR YOU! ff.. afpgjhuridfv DIE! Keep this in mind.. when you plan on reading a book or anything... then read the WHOLE thing.. don't go reading from here, and here and a little bit there... read the whole damn thing! Otherwise it's just laziness and disrespect that you put out, towards your morale and the other persons work... (can hardly call it work though, well my post at least..)

UP ahead

I divided this into sections so all of you who are tunnelvisioned in your mind can observe what this post is about, clearly there are people who'd ''like'' to read but think that it's around one basis of my life that I keep bringing up. Search for depth before concluding. And thanks for pointing that out ;)

Clearly a lot has been going on since I last visited this ''corner'' of the internet. I have gained a lot of experience with different spices in life and concluded, that my being does in fact differ from others... For example - I have.. Realized, that in my perspective on life, a man should at least faintly know how to dance(classical dances or latino etc... though.. hip-hop and such does NOT count)
and for perhaps a second example... Social EVENTS! hugeee emphasis on ''events'' are perhaps a far better way to pass the time in comparison to for example going to ''clubs'' and such. For a fact that soical events actually do educate you and add that USEFUL layer onto your being, rather than just chugging it all down in a club as an ale or any other drink and then sweating it all out and call yourself experienced and differ from everyone else that hasn't done it, not realizing that you're actually on the same level as they just with more booze in your head(gathered due time).

Now knowing this, puts me in a position where I view the world from an entirely different perspective thus gaining more enemies than your other ''subtle'' being(someone who does not really take part in wordly beings), of course this is specifically bad for me, because a person such as I tends to speak their mind about everything that seems necessary or un necessary(at times :) ).

However I wonder if I can manage, to put that difference out there in a way that, you may not exactly see it, but FEEL it - yes, the key element to what I want to achieve is make people feel a certain way, to do this I must find out if ''difference'' is actually a feeling, or can it be degraded into small groups of feeling clusters or clouds.. that in the big picture give us the deffinition of ''difference'' then I must find a way to project it out of me through my nature and we should have the results, ofc if that's not already what I'm putting out ;) (which I am, but with words, I want to do it passively though, with the other person not aware of it).

Well as it seems I'm now at a point where my next ''achievement'' is quite obvious, and nothing left than just, going for the goal, sounds fairly reasonable enough.

Another thing I'd like to point out( if you've reached this far) is that understanding, is within one in my eyes, and that can be fatally good for it, a.k.a yes I do ''miss'',every now and then[rather often actually, too often and in increasing strenght(damn it)]. (I'm sure understanding this wouldn't be a problem, again, if so then feel free to ask me what is that about ;) obviously in a private conversation)