Questionable misery

Perhaps, I've fooled everyone by now... I don't know why, but I'd much rather let people think of me as an idiot. Maybe it's time I knock it off, and emerge into my glory once again, maybe it's time for yet again, a change. This game is now tiring me completely, time to let go... I should pick up where I left my being, at the start of the school year, the thirst for knowledge I had then is replaced with thirst for blood by now. I don't really see that as beneficial though, no longer at least. Feelings, do I know any besides anger anymore? I know I did, I still do from time to time, it's one of those days when light shines bright and everything around me is tolerable. Though, yet again, I'm fed up, I'm sick of this and that, of everything. There are things I do, which I feel bad about, but I do it for self satisfaction, well as satisfying as it can be... I don't know if I should just ignore life and completely push it away, mysticism and mystery that soulful hunger that I have, maybe I should start feeding my spirit instead of myself. But how to do it? I seem to be kept from it, held back... is it not time yet? One of the factors that keeps me, is love, I'm sure. Love is good right now, I'm not even too sick from it to my surprise(after having some thought behind it), there are yes, things I'd change, but it seems to me, that all what I would change is inevitable thus pointless to even try. It's never pointless to try though, at least you remember that... I've noticed that I teach others what I've failed at, I teach from my own experience, which is a good trait in my eyes, but ... I don't let others teach me. Am I really that experience bound, that I HAVE to do it myself and fail at it myself in order to get clarification that it's not doable at that time? Why can't I learn from other peoples experience? Yes, I can learn facts and common knowledge and knowledge in general, but actual useful every day situational knowledge I can only learn so little.. There is no point in existence other than ''to exist''. Though it does matter what do you do with that existence. I'd love to do more, I'd love to be a different person, but I'm being kept from it, why? Why can't I love one more than other people? Why can't I do anything, and do a lot, like other people? Why am I gifted, yet kept from using my abilities? What exactly do people expect from me? I don't do anything other than reason, I reason with people, I tell them what they want to hear but don't expect to. I am a guideline for people, sure, but right now, how? How do I help this worthless bunch? Take them through fire and flames? Will that really help? It gets results, but is it for the best interest of others? I wouldn't mind helping out every now and then, yet I'm never expected to be a person who will help out. And I'm not expected to be the person who drops out, neither am I anywhere in the middle... Uniqueness ? Am I unique? Not in the sens of ''everyone is unique'' but in the sense of actual genuine uniqueness, do I differ from others or not? Does it matter? Well clearly it does, I like to shine my own way, but if I've lost the way, I don't exactly shine, rather absorb light... I'm past event horizon I can only see the darkness ahead of me, I can imagine the outcome... Experience, that would be a true experience, live through life. An experience that everyone has, but no one notices or cherishes; neither do I.. As it's been made clear, I reflect upon situations, not emit anything myself, other than emptiness that clears out every unwanted feelings and whatnot, so that everything that comes in, is reflected back perfectly. I noticed I've done this for all my life... And life found a way to make me vulnerable, made me take down my mirror shield, and all I found is demons on the other side... Heh, kind of ironical... Demons behind a mirror... *grin*. It seems I'm reentering depression.. This time I don't seem angry, which would indicate that I'm no longer frustrated, leaving me with sorrow; the second state of cleansing. It's not too far into the future when I'm an ''angel'' type once again, but what kind... Just wishing good doesn't make you a saint.. Don't want to be a saint.. Argh, all of this is of no importance.. - Yknow, misery isn't all that bad. I kind of like myself miserable... All I need to do is clear my head, achieve my genious and misery will be all fine settled within me, who knows maybe even a little bit of insanity would be involved ... I wouldn't mind.