Kui jää on sulanud siit maalt.

Sahmitsedes kirjutan ja otsin vaeva, mis ära kannaks mind,
annaks lootusele ooteaja mil pean ootama sind.
See kaugus, see pöördumatu ind mis minus tahab
ja loodab ja teab, et see on püha.

Üha enam ja enam ma muutun vaevusest rikkaks,
veel ja veel ma ihkan ja ihkan ning su pihta lausun palved ikka.
See rikkis süda ja püha vaim, teeb oma töö,
nüüd minus tärkamas on aim, et usk läbib kõik ootuse öö.

Lootusetult lootes seda ootuse müra,
seal kaugel, kus kõik on nüüd ja juhtumas mu silme ees,
kus lõpuks öelda saan neid igavikulisi sõnu, "jah, olen sinu murtud mees".

Siin vaguralt istun oma põgusa aduga, olen morn ja hallis,
isegi sellel kõrbeteel ainsad eludega sõnad mul polekski nii kallid
kui neid vaid lausuda saaksin sinule kallis.

Nüüd kui päikese okstele maandub öölind
on mu mõistus ainsaks veepiisaks õhtu härmas,
ometigi mu aeg pole nii kallis hind,
et oodata ei võiks sind mu armas.

I hope you can help me overcome my inability to receive love.

I hope you can help me overcome my inability to receive love.

When God said He loves me personally, it broke me down, still does, I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to receive love. I am learning as I go, Jesus is teaching me a lot of things about himself. He is life afterall.
I'm not sure though why some people look up to me, or why they find favor in their hearts for me... I guess God has changed their hearts as well.
I don't really like recognition...I just am afraid of pride, it's an ugly face, yet I consider myself as the very least of any saint.
This itself raises a complex question. Bible says whoever desires to be greates among you, they should serve you, e.g consider themselves as the very least and only serving God and others. Humility brings exaltedness, but what does a man deserve before God? I do not think  I deserve this life, I am nothing before God, His mercy and love and wisdom is beyond me and my capacity to live and comprehend. What do I have to show before His majesty to deserve such a blessing as even knowing you this very little, as I do right now?
Yet my heart cries for you, it cries a grievous cry to the Lord, because you do not know it.
I wish you did.
And I weep, I am a broken man before the Almighty who has seen it in His wisdom to bless me with understanding and knowledge of you. I am grieved for you do not see me nor desire to know me as far as I know and see.
For God this is not an issue, His ways are infinitely higher than ours and this mountain too has been conquered. I on the other hand am just a man, I can not do the work of the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, I can not do what is appointed for Him to fulfill. For me, I am only required patience and preserverance. So I wait here, I weep and I grieve and I pray and I am brought to humility in which I delight in.
 I wish to know the Lord better and patience works itself on my deep longing desire.

"Stupid wilderness." - Kevin 1994-2017

"There is nothing but stupid rocks in this wilderness, and when you accidentally touch them they just cry out "God". What the heck!?
Oh look, and that stupid bush is on fire. Sorry Lord I don't mean to run my mouth
You are a very very holy and God your works are amazing, I really do mean it. Your timing your and creation are magnificent.
But what the hell am I doing in the middle of nowhere?!
Is this one of those "it's not about the destination but the journey" type things? Cuz I aint buying it."

 Mumbling to himself he goes ahead and squeezes drinking water out one of the rocks he kicked earlier.

"And another thing, what's this white stuff??  Why have you named this manna, or is it us that named it? And what's with the weird taste? I mean what is that, ugh. Also who made these rocks so wet that you can squeeze water out of them? It makes no sense!
W h a t  t h e  h e l l  a m  I  d o i n g  i n  t h e  m i d d l e  o f  a n  e m p t y  v a l l e y?!! How far til we get to Betlehem?"

He sits down.

"No that's it. I'm not walking further. We will camp here. Seriously, where is my wife in all of this? She is missing out all this fun freaking experience of the wild. Oh yay me and Daddy are going out for an adventure, He said I will meet my beautiful amazing wife to be here. Wow I'm so excited. Oh wait...I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. I guess He forgot to mention that nobody hangs out in the desert, it's just us two and not us three(looking at you love), but us two, me and Daddy."

He starts setting up the tent.

"Stupid freaking desert, stupid wilderness, stupid rocks and more rocks, oh look a mountain of sand." Sigh.
"You know, it is kind of nice for us two to hang out yknow. I guess I knew exactly what was coming, I just didnt realize it myself. I dont really mind hanging out with you, I guess it makes sense that you are an outdoors kind of Father. And maybe the best way to connect with your son is by taking him where you feel at home. I'm sorry for running my mouth and calling you out on being here, it is actually kind of nice. It is pretty cool to stare at the stars during night time with you. Plus I've never once thirsted nor run low on food. I guess what I'm trying to say is I appreciate you Father, and I love you very much and I'm just a man yknow and I really want to love big. I guess I sometimes I am dumb enough to expect the same back from people and not you. I know well enough that your love is the only one that has ever changed me. Thanks Dad, I love you... Oh and by the way, this rock here" He streches out his hand towards the Lord,  holding a small piece of white marble. "I picked this one up when we were setting up the tent. Its my favorite, I like the way it looks and feels, so strong and solid, like you Daddy."
The Lord smiles.

To my wife

First you must understand you know its you in your heart and you are not here by accident reading this. Here I will expose myself and open myself up before you and yes everyone else as well because I have nothing to hide. Please understand that I am just a man and I've been hurt many times in my life and it is a little hard for me to show love, but more importantly receive love. Its really hard for me to know that someone loves me. Every single time I'm brought to tears when God tells me He loves me. It's the only love I know really. I have to hear it from you, I have to be sure every day maybe more often than is comfortable that I am loved, but this is only for a little while until I am sure you love me. Only Jesus has the key to my heart and you need to pray, really pray to get it from Him. He is the way, the truth and the life. You need to love Jesus more than me and you need to make sure I love Jesus more than I love you. Because right now and always I do and want to above all things love Jesus. I'm a little messy as a person, well I sometimes eat boogers(eh..Im working on it) and my room is covered in dirty clothes and misc stuff. I never iron my clothes and I shower every two days, sometimes more often..I like to think it helps me stay healthy actually. Dont always brush teeth every day, but I do chew gum. Aand Im lactose intolerant apparently. When I get angry, really really angry then I yell very very loudly, but I always look for reconziloation before I get to that point. Im not that great at keeping money, its just not in me, but Im willing to work it out yknow, all of these things as much as I can Im willing to work it out. Im generous and sometimes like to spoil myself but I dont really buy things I dont see value in. I do like to make gifts and speak love and even touch, maybe thats the way I love. Id like to help the homeless people, I think they deserve hope and Jesus and love the most and I need you to be able to do this with me. This is important to me and my walk. Can you hug a homeless person?  I like wilderness, I want to go camping, and maybe even with you yknow.. I really need a best friend,  I need to be able to rely on you, i need to be able to rest with you and around you. I love Jesus really really dearly , but never enough so again I need you to make sure I walk with the Lord at all times. I will be faithful to you and your faith. My big big desire is to bring you to the Lord, that when either one of us dies then I would have done a good job giving you over to your true husband, Jesus. I will love you with all of my heart and will cherish you, praise how good you are sometimes even to others , I will lift you up in every way I possibly can, I will support you as much as God can support us. I will make sure you never fall and are never hurt, Im so scared of hurting you. Im not sure how well I would handle you hanging out or talking with other boys..Ive been cheated on and my trust has been trampled so..idk I cant promise being ok with it. I play the guitar and would love to play to you, but Im not very good at it, but I will play (not always) when you ask me to. I like the idea of spending the night with you watching stars and discussing deep topics and getting to know each other. I do actually like to open up a lot, but I might be overwhelming. Understand that Im all in and I will not have anyone else except you, you need to be able to be devoted to me and I am devoted to you. God HAS to stay in the center of our relationship, thats the only way this can work. I like to write and express my love this way sometimes. Maybe Im unpredictable at times, you need to be able to guide me, But I understand the necessity for me to guide and be responsible in the relationship. I can sometimes be hard headed but I will always do my best to retain peace and level headedness, I hate to fight. Im so and so at keeping a job, i do get tired, emotionally tired. And I need my alone time, but even then I am always willing to give and serve you, when I desperately need it myself. Im not the easiest man in the world, but Im extremely honest as much as I can even know how to be,  its sort of like bravery for me. Im really really sincere so I really mean it when I say I love you and other things as well.  If I do hurt you, please tell me, I dont want to hurt you at all, im just stupid sometimes when I do. I like to listen to jazz sometimes and would like you to join me in it, just relax yknow. Currently the things I miss the most is kind words from you and a touch on my face followed by a smile and then a hug. I really miss that. Oh I need to be able to cry before you and not be ashamed about it. Its a sign of strength not weakness, but more importabtly trust. I would like to read the Bible Together and study and sharpen each other like this, but Im also a little lazy so try to engage me, I will do it I just sometimes need convincing, I hope you keep me on my toes. I will rely on you for emotional support and spiritual encouraging and myself I offer spiritual encouraging, strenght, absolute faith amd faithfulness to you and God. I don't currently have a getaway but my usual place is the forest and the wilderness,  so you know I need a break when I talk about it or needing to go there. If you love me, let me know, you will always be well received and I will do my absolute best to keep you safe,  healthy, satisfied and in love with Jesus. Understand that Im doing this because you need to know what you are getting into. Like I said, Im all in and won't back down. Please pray for me and for understanding from God. You will need it.

I've been here before, ever.

I've been here before.
I know my way around here,
this is nothing new to me,
I've been here before.

I've known no limitations,
I understood the expectation,
the underlying realization that intermission is God's incision
into my heart.

To be set apart from the dance,
It's God's harp that makes this romance,
I leave my life to his hands for this can't -
wait.

Wait.

It is time you learn how to appreciate,
It is time you learn how to lean and trust and not procrastinate,
The time has come to undertake
me
to a new reality.

I've been here before,
I know my way around,
Recognizing this door,
is now God's dance floor.

My heart left me on the stage floor
Soul leaves me bounded, hounded for more
I can not find myself to dismiss this call anymore.
I need freedom, I need it more than before.

Unbound, rebound, inbound
the roar of this hellhound
has been silenced all around.
Now I have found the ink of which I am,
now I have found what's the link in "I am that I am"
because He, is not a man, but God, Fathers right hand.

By His grace, if possible I look to seek your face,
I know I am out of place and it's a difficult case to handle
this ace of spades floating endlessly in unlimited space.

Innate faith that's inadequate and ill-equipped without you
to pull me through from my supposedly excellent shortcomings,
It's your Grace, your gift of love which can only be received
with which in time ongoing eventually is blowing me apart and what is left is new,
a new life from you.

-Tonight is the night-

"Oh gloom..."

He sighed.

I fall in love to easily, I fall in love too terribly hard, for love to last...

"Don't you just like to... forget sometimes?" "How is it possible you can do so, love just like that. Love everyone despite everything. You really are the God of gods aren't you..."

He sighed.

"You know, I still remember, I remember how I fell into this pit of despair back when I wanted to be a wizard. I just don't want to fall in that hole anymore you know...

Aah but sometimes it's such a drag!"

Never meant to cause you any sorrow, only want to see you one time laughing...

"Oh soul, why are you so distraught, why lament you oh soul of mine, has God's glory fallen short for you to worship? Has He ever failed you? Oh soul, you are cast down yet loved, you are known and are met with great rejoicing in Heaven. Why oh why are you distraught and cast down."

He sighed.

"To fall short. To be blind is a curse, I wish never to have eaten the apple. To be blind kills me, to not understand kills me, to not love kills me, to not know you Oh Lord, kills me..."
"Who am I to speak on behalf of Adam, there's too many, I am no longer a part of the flesh anyway. Who am I to speak in front of the Lord on behalf of mankind, who am I to know what is right and what is wrong when faced with the Righteous God."

"None are greater than the lowly ones, the servants, who can be greater than one who serves?"

Oh let the good times roll...

"I just do not understand, why come short...and this anchor, this anchor is just keeping me low, oh Lord free me of this curse. It is not pleasurable for you to see me suffer, it is not your will to see me in anguish, it is not your sacrifice to see me upside down.
Oh lust begone from me you dreadful spirit, you foul mouth, you dirty heart, depart from me you wicked wicked foolish spirit"

Makin' it easy for the clean up woman...

"You speak in such Irony sometimes Lord, I love it you know. I love your ways, they are dear to me, Your ways are always beyond comprehension. Oh but Lord have your way already, why wait, just move and set forth your plan. Why sleep you O Lord, pay the wicked their due. Forgive the righteous, forgive the kind and lowly ones, forgive the sensible ones, forgive the servants O Lord, forgive the flesh for they are but flesh. But show the wicked that You are God, pay them back so their iniquities shall see no end."

Just cleanin' up...

Closure

I see you and talk to you. I know what you expect me to do, but my heart..My forsaken heart fails me of fear. I have no obedience towards you, but I yearn you I want to, but I don't get it!

I just do not understand. I know I recognize and acknowledge what I need to do and why it is important, but I am unable to do it I just don't know[UNDERSTAND].

What am I missing, what do I not know then?
Is it pride? Then destroy my prideful soul for it is not worthy of your presence.
Is it meekness? Then destroy my abilities, cast me down for I am not worthy of your presence.
Is it persecution that I am afraid of? Then persecute me, bring me to shame until I have no more fear of persecution.

My heart is broken in so many ways, my soul is drenched with worry, my spirit however is steady and waiting for me, but I can not follow.

Sadness and tears overtake me as you rebuke me, as you reject me, because I am not worthy of you. I do not follow you and I am never yours because I have rejected you.

I am alone I am astray, I'm dying and doomed and not eligible for life.

Speak the gospel to this one, or that one or that one. I do not understand what am I supposed to do or act, I have no words but fear. I have the knowledge I have the authority, but I have this fear. I can not I will not submit, and it is not to my benefit.

I know not of my iniquity and I am forsaken by it. "If you loved me, you would have done as I said" and these words will destroy me when the time is here. And the time is now.

I have failed and as I write this I realize I only focus on myself. "Now is not the time to fall, now is not the time to give up".

Faith without works is dead, but works without faith is religion.


I have nothing and will get nothing.

Then cast me out to the place where there is darkness, weeping and gnashing of teeth.

As I weep and look to you with a broken soul, my essence my being, my everything is breaking under you, and I will become the salt of the Earth, that has lost its savor, that you will trample.

I'm sorry, but I can't let go, I don't know how to.