Conundrum

I'm left uneasy

Seeing you still makes me smile every time.

Somehow I've misplaced my self-confidence. I'm left here speculating over my own worth. Do I even deserve a seat in front the hearth of my tree of light.

Carry me on wings of light, be just to my soul and heart.
For I am a child whose love for the world has not yet been quenched.
 Drenched in doubt and belief, I am a castaway in front of an oasis of truth. Make me believe that I'm left with reality and not some twisted mirage, a mind trick to fool a fool.
Breathe one more time, show me how I can live. Draw life, I believe in your art. Just don't expect gold, because Davy Jones's Locker holds only my heart.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


I keep slipping in and out of my systems and reality. All of a sudden I'm just stuck in my head and afraid that I will never really be loved. Coming back to reality, I realize I already am being loved, until I slip away into doubt and find myself in a repeating circle. Emotionally I am quite drained, oddly enough a rather good cure for feeling drained is simply look at your ''her''. ''She'' definitely gives me energy and a positive vibe, without her I would be in a much much darker place. Naturally I can not thank her enough. I wish there was something I could do to prove this, how much I truly give a shit about her or as an alternative somehow just ''go'' with it all. I feel as if I have a compulsive need to make something happen all the time, rather than waiting to see what happens.I really hope I'm not overstepping myself tho, last thing I want to make right now are mistakes. Everything I care about currently is very very dear to me. I guess what I learned from it all is the fact that my feelings and myself is definitely in place and correct. Resist temptation to gain order and discipline.
Sometimes it's so hard just to keep in control your desire, and I'm not talking about lust, I'd say I'm simpler than that. Just to get that connection/connectedness with another. I've discovered the warmth of hugs. In some sense I crave that bond between two... Remain calm I keep telling myself, yet my heart would love to leap every time I think on it..
I've been speechless for the better part of last week and this week. I just don't really have that much to say,

I'm just sitting, waiting, wishing.

Speechless

It's not that I don't have anything to say.

I just... don't need to.

I would like to describe what I feel, but I honestly don't know. I have never been here before. As if I was walking into an adventure, but without the excitement and anxiety

I'm not empty, nor do I feel fed up or sad, I'm not happy, but it's the most positive feeling I've felt. I'm not frustrated. I am tired, but when I think about ... it all just fades.

I'm moving at a hundred thousand kilometers an hour, but my world is just standing still. I am left speechless.

 I've never been shut up like this before. Not that I don't want to speak. I just want to stare... I could say a thousand sentences, but there is no combination of words that can describe where I am right now.

I just see you.

I'm not falling in love either, I've fallen before, I know what it's like, I'm sure.

I would like to portray you with a thousand words, but I can not. I simply am unable to put into words what I see. I'm stunned, but not stumped...

I'm like a child who's given an opal. And I just stare.


I don't know much better than this right now.

---

For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel alone.

Thank you.

Dazed and confused

''I've been here before..'' as I inhale deeply.
''These city walls have gotten to me again'' I drop off some ash from my lit cigarette into the white bone ashtray.
The ashtray looked relatively normal, with the exception of the outer face of the ashtray has been carved in some handmade tribal fashion.

''I've been here before... It sometimes really gets to me.''

I finish off the cigarette and take my feet off the table to reach for the whiskey bottle on my desk with a glass next to it.

I had a full bottle of champagne on my desk, I didn't bother to open it, there's just nothing to celebrate. But the ice inside the bucked is definitely going to be useful.

I took some ice and made myself whiskey on the rocks.

''... I've been working from seven seven seven to eleven every night it kinda makes my life a drag...'' 

''What a song... just what I needed, extra reasons..''

There hasn't been a case in weeks. I was starting to dry up on my savings and was getting worried about paying off last months rent and getting more food to survive....

I fixed myself a drink; some ice, whiskey and a mint leaf.

I rocked back into my leather chair and kicked my feet on the table.
The drink was on my lap.

I stared into the city lights then took a sip of whiskey.

''Ahhh...'' I sighed as I relaxed myself.

Shadow realms

----


I was swallowed in shadow just as the blade struck down on the ground where I was standing. The entire world was void of color just gray. I was panting. ''That was too close for comfort, I should have left earlier'' I concluded while shaking my head.

 Somewhere far away I saw an explosion of color. I was alone for now. The world looked relatively the same where I used to be, with the exception of walls and structures in general. The temple was still there but there were no longer any walls. I've never quite figured out why this phenomena takes place, always without constructions. It looked as if everything static was no longer there. But only mechanically raised structures; the trees and the landscape remained untouched. I have yet to encounter animals in this plane, they simply no longer exist. Almost as if all living frequency was removed in the shadow realm.
 Another explosion of color interrupted my strain of thought, this time the event took place considerably closer to me, still far enough for me to actually see what's causing it. I wasn't planning to hang around. If there's one thing I've learned in the shadow realm, it is to never stay still for too long. With every passing minute I'm drying out, slowly losing my life as it gets sucked into nothingness of shadows.

My hand stung again, until I finally noticed that I'm still holding shadowstepper. ''oh right'' I unclenched my fist and removed the dagger from my palm with my other hand. It looked pretty bad, there were two small holes in my hand and the hilt was covered in blood with two small needles sticking out of it surrounded by  black text in a language I couldn't read.

I checked my pockets; ''recipe for Tangleglow'' 5 grams of ground eucalyptus tree bark, 2 tablespoons of liquid honey, Buffalo meat, some vinegar, 50 grams of water. ''No that's not it'' and I continued to go through my pockets: pocket knife, compass, tissues, paper and a pencil, chalk, iron powders, salt.
I checked my jacket pockets and I felt something round and faintly cold ''The stone. Good'' and kept going through the pockets talking to myself. ''Now where did I put the damned thing''

 I threw my backpack on the ground and starter rummaging through various vials and papers. ''Cmon bandages, I need you.'' An explosion took me off guard and threw me good 5 meters away, scattering all my belongings into the desert. ''SHIT!'' I was blinded, I couldn't see anything, my eyes were full of vivid images of color and the real world desert.

When I finally got to my senses, I was introduced to the first creature I've ever seen in this realm. Skin somehow white and pure, broad shoulders, his build resembling a tall human male. Color pouring through his eyes onto his skin, which was covered in weird symbols of various colors. His hair dark blue. His mouth somehow unearthly, though it looked like a human mouth, something just didn't feel right about it. He loomed over me as I was laying on the ground trying to get the last of color out of my eyes.


''Hiya, if you're looking for the Baghdad you just missed it by a few hundred miles or so. Just head back and turn left at the 18th cactus you see and keep going forward. You cant miss it, big lights and all. Lots of people'' I said, hoping I can buy enough time to figure how to get the hell out.

The creature stared at me, not so much as flinching. Just standing, and staring at me. He reached out his hand as if it wants me to give it something.

''Listen buddy, I don't know who or even what you are, I'm just passing by and would like to go on my way and out of your hair if you don't mind.''

The creature stood still, no movement, no sign of weariness or disinterest. Calm. I could see his aura starting to smoke from his body, slowly gaining into a cloud around him. He was gaining power.
What the hell; I thought. This can't be good.

He held out his arm, still calm, not a single twitch, he didn't even fucking blink.

''Look what do you want, just take it and leave me alone, I am simply passing by and don't plan to stay long in this realm''

He nodded and leaned closer to me with his arm still out reached. I started scuttering away from him, still on the floor, I knew I didn't have a chance at escaping him, but I just panicked. Trying to get up and run was my only idea.

The creature just looked at me trying to evade from him and flashed into thin air. I blinked, not believing what I saw. An actual teleportation, was it even possible? Is it only doable in shadow reals? I got up and went to collect my stuff. I need to get the hell out before that thing shows up again. Who was he anyway. What's with the tattoo, how the hell did he manage to teleport?

I got all my things together and finally found bandages, my wound was dirty from crawling in the sand and I didn't have anything to clean it with. I found a small vial labled ''Elderwood Sap''. ''This should do for now'' I dabbed my bandages with the milky sap and wrapped my hand in.

-----

Eye of Horus

''So there it is. The augmentation stone.'' I ran the small greenish yellow stone through my fingers as if it were a coin then held it up against sunlight. ''Just as the legends tell; When holding the stone at suns mercy, it surrenders its mantle and reveals its true form as the eye of Horus'' I held the now golden stone between me and the sun. Bedazzled by its glimmer I almost did not notice the shadow sneaking up from behind me. ''Keshafer tel husab!'' The environment turned fluent as if all the world had been woven in silk or water. I could see all the light rays passing through the old temple windows. The stone which I had been holding radiated color in extraordinary fashion. I couldn't even pinpoint where any of the colors were coming from, but I could see myself holding a small circular rainbow in my palms. This was one hell of an artifact, that's for sure.
 I tore my mind away from this magnificent array and noticed slight vibrations coming from the floor. I could almost feel the footsteps behind me, how they sunk into the shallow sand, creating miniature shock-waves blasting through the entire world, unnoticed by the unmindful. The world seemed as if it was going in slow motion, even though I knew it really wasn't. The spell I worked up it made my brain take in 4 times the amount of information I normally could thus creating an illusion of slow motion.

I knew someone was coming so I went for my dagger.

A flash of light dancing before my eyes, faintly blinding me to remind me of the power of the stars. Sunlight escaped my eyes and I could see again. I had managed to block my opponents blade barely, forcing his sword to miss me and get tangled briefly in my linen over-garments. I got a good look at my shadow before the spell wore off. 

''You're wicked fast'' The cloaked man said smiling.
''How did you know I was coming, nobody has ever detected my presence like this before?''

I decided to stay silent in hopes of him revealing who he is and how did he find me.

We stood there, both weapons ready facing each other.

''No last words to whisper into the wind? Not even a single remark before death?'' The man said smile fading from his face. He tightened the grip around his sword.

I still stood in silence, ready to defend. Whoever he was, he definitely knew how to manage a his weapon. Judging from his stance, I'd say at least 7-10 years worth of experience in battle. He was no pushover, and if I were to get out of this I'd have to play my cards right.

I decided to buy myself some time, hopefully to get him to lower his guard a little or reveal something about him. ''I have not seen you nor heard your voice before. Who are you and why are you shadowing me?''

He laughed, ''Who I am is of no concern for you, simply know that I am the undertaker and I've come to collect my prize''

''Prize? There is no such item here that you'd desire or need'' I said calmly.

''Item? Now you're getting me curious. I'm not here for an item, I'm here for you. There's a hefty penny in for the one who brings Chengzu ''The Raven''  and you happen to look just like him.''

Chengzu was a codename for one of the underground Chinese overlords back in Hong Kong. I've never really ran into him, but I've halted quite a few of his black market operations. Naturally he'd be very upset with someone who stole his precious Shadowstepper, also known as ''Little White-Hilt.'' However it seems, this guy is not here for the dagger, which would mean he might not know about it.
I might have a chance.

''I don't know who this Raven fellow is, but if he managed to piss Chengzu off, then I'm sure he would at very least piss you off as well''

He loosend his grip a little bit and laughed again ''For someone with nowhere to escape, you definitely find the right words to shorten your life expectancy'' About the time the sentence was finished he managed to already swing his sword in my direction, aiming at the arm in which I held the dagger. I managed to step aside and barely avoid getting my arm cut off. For such a light blade he used, it came down with a lot of force. This guy was strong.

Immediately as his blade came to a hault a leg came in contact with mine kicking me off balance. I staggered and barely had time to think when his blade came whistling down on me again.

A slight sting intruded my hand and the daggers handle soaked in blood.




I managed to escape just in time.
---

Theory of everything

I think I have concluded why we consider ourselves so special, I mean as a species not necessarily as individuals.


So when someone would ask me '' What is the meaning of life? '' . In essence it is such a grand question, THE question. right? Something you wouldn't expect a real answer to, other than your everyday wishes and/or desires. We define ourselves by what we desire - it's fairly simple really, and it makes sense, in a broad world as such you would need to be someone in order to get something, in other-words to get what we desire we need to sculpt out a mathematically sound chance to get that ''something''... Basic reasoning, I know, it's something We All Know.

Well.. how come? How come do we talk about that all the time, in media, ''to get somewhere, start working on it''. We have managed to somehow create a situation where we (as a species) LIMIT what we can have.. as if to say that life consists of competition, because surely the earth is just too damn small for us plebeians, if we don't get bigger land or whatnot we would be lessers to state our privilege among oursleves(ironically). It's definitely a simple equation that we live by, but it also isn't the meaning of life is it? We don't expect this answer when we as''what is the meaning of life'', but we get it every time that's for sure.

We don't expect it because it's wrong, that equation does not equal to life. It's close, but it's not what truly all life... and honestly everything consists of. To be perfectly frank then the universe consists of only one action, movement. Simple, I know. To figure that out is terribly easy, just look at what everything does. Every single atom and vibration whats to ''be'' somewhere. Wants to move there to simply become. It's all just movement. hence'' in order to get something you need to be someone'', which we skillfully interpret once again as competition among us mortals. On a quantum level we know how to ''be'' something else, and we can safely shift from one state to another, but on a cellular and upwards(the areas that are in control of your brain) we simply take everything as a challenge to our own authority of existence.

So what's the problem with that state of mind? The way we express this ''grand knowledge'' is relatively flawed.
We come from a rather shallow point of understanding to approach general matter. The perspective of ''what this new *insert technology* will do for us'' is simply unlawful. In terms of universe all it means is '' it can not be'', so we're going against the flow not with it. The universe surely doesn't do anything for itself, it is itself, it no longer needs to become. What it or who it is,  is just endless self. Universe doesn't go around thinking how to become more when he already achieved becoming most. So that means universe simply IS.

Now this part is already a bit confusing I'm sure, but let me expand this to ourselves(humans). We know that universe IS. It exists, does it not? If it exists it definitely IS. And there's the first problem with humans in general. We need to prove the existence of the universe by measurements and ideas what we came up with. We need to know how far can we go and how high can we climb, how hot can we withstand and how purple can we see.

We literally come here in this particular society called humanity to experience how not to be, but how to become.  Yes it collides nicely with the theory of eventual godhood. Make more technology, make better technology, sense further, drive further, see further, be far away. We want to become so much more evolved than we already are. We want to have more control over the universe than it has on us. In general : ''lets just do it''.

  For us .. it is such a difficult equation to break, because after all, this is why we even come here to experience something extraordinary, a new perspective of the universe - Imagine that. ''How not to be the universe''. A fantastic point of view, a bit on the extremists side, but definitely fascinating. But what I don't understand, is why do we think in the scope of ''I sure hope I can be everything one day''. I lack understanding on how do these people not see that they are everything This day.

Now I've heard this before, ''learn to appreciate what you have so you find out who you are'' , but I don't think that's how it works... You can't appreciate something that you feel or see in order to find out who you are, because you already ARE IT.

It's just a senseless waste of energy honestly. But alright... it's a niche of this culture, fair enough. It's a human thing, I can definitely accept that, after all, I am here for it.
But it seems you people are awfully worried about where we're heading as a whole... Yes yes I get it, ''go, work, become, expand'' I get that you can't help but to become anxious as soon as something new and exciting happens(like the leaps of advancement in technology bringing us on the brink of immortality for exmaple).
  But I can assure you, we're definitely heading in the right direction, as there can not be a wrong one (since the universe simply IS, which is where we're headed).

But seriously, the advancements in technology in ways that you would not even believe, is bringing us closer and closer to becoming ''Gods'' to finally escape our bounds of not being it. Which all sounds great and I'm definitely rooting for you guys that's for sure. But I don't understand why can you not understand that you're not separating from the universe and becoming an entity outside its reach. We can not be separate, individuals from the universe...

Now I'm not entirely certain of this, but it seems like you expect to become more than already is/exists. I don't know why that would be, is it the fact that you see people who are richer as someone who is definitely more in control than you can ever be? Well .. they're not, bottom line is, they will die( for now) and so will you.
In terms of the universe you guys are definitely equal, and no amount of matter that you accumulate to justify your existence really changes that.
 In fact it's probably a funny in the ironical sense of the earth distributing metals around using you as assets, because ultimately that metal won't do you any good. So maybe the Earth, hell even the universe wanted that gold plated lambo to be in that particular spot in some rich blokes garage, as it will come to play later. Much much later.

 Now I realize that that previous statement sounded awful close to the theory of everyone simply being pawns to a greater power, which is also not true.
  I find that, as truly being the universe, I want(ed) to be here, thus I chose whatever I have right now. Truth be told I don't find the necessity to prove that I am more universe than the next fellow across the globe. I already know what I am, and I intent to ''be'' anyway.

 So I don't get you people, what all the fuss is about becoming something or other. Again, it seems to be a human way of things, ''not to be, but to become''. It's definitely interesting, but I do sometimes wonder what's the point... Experience I guess. For someone who has traveled to many stars, I'm sure this place would be extremely exotic. Oh and when you think about it , every religion states the same message '' not to be, but to become''. So there's some fuel for the thought....

Blizzard

''There goes the last of my medical supplies.'' , looking at my personal patch up job for my burnt  hand. The cloth is already a bit bloody but it seems to contain the wound well enough. Sure it hurts like hell but I must admit I did a good job covering up the damage..'' in fact I'm confident enough to say that this will heal in no time'' , I lie to myself cheerily trying to ignore the freezing tear rolling down my left cheeck.

While I tend to my wounds a loud thumping and tearing sound grabs my attention. Squinting towards the entrance  I notice a blurry mess laying in front of it. It's a bit hard to tell with the snowstorm cutting your vision off more than half, but I know exactly what's going on. I sigh and help myself to my legs, which are not as stable as they were a few days ago ''damned thing keeps falling apart'' , I stumble towards the entrance of the cave. Among the rubble I locate all the pieces of wood and attempt to patch them together with the same piece of half-torn string I've been using for the other 23 patch jobs on the same setup.   The idea is simple, have a semi doorframe looking apparatus at the entrance of the cave with a bit of a roof reaching out of the cave, so I wouldn't have chunks of ice fall on my head as I exit and enter my dorm. The problem with my construction is my lack of expertiese, patience and proper equpment. Hell if I'd have at least a dozen or two nails, I could get this damned thing sturdier than my sanity. Finished with the construction work, I wipe my brow from cold sweat as I notice my eyesight blurring. It was then when it hit me. ''I haven't had an ounce of sleep for the past 17 hours or so. And I've been constantly running from demons for the past few days''  Now exhausted I shamble to my already dying fire which I lit not longer than an hour ago. I gather some more logs to throw onto the fire, sure they are a little bit moist but good enough to catch fire and burn for a decent while.

Sitting down once again, I start rumaging through my packpack. Through the sound of vials clattering against each other I hear myself mutter in despair, ''now where did I put that damn ointment'',  when I finally found it. A small modest looking vial containing an emerald blue liquid with a slight undertone of green shade to it. ''Here it is, Anguta! Bloody difficult to make, but this will surely keep me out of the cold for at least 72 hours'' I down half of the contents of the small bottle which almost made me vomit. The taste is similar to blue mynthon mixed with rotten seaweed and fish eyes. I shiver and start losing my senses, I've seen someone else take the potion before, it didn't look pleasant, at least for the couple of hours. I figured it somehow overrides the nervous system increasing the blood and oxygen fusion and heightening your entire system to a state where it is impossible to cool it down. Weather like this is perfect conditions for this potion.
I grab the small mirror facing the ground next to my bed and look at my face. ''White retinas aside I look like I'm enjoying myself. Good. I should sleep''. Last thing I remember is the sound of the mirror dropping onto the hard rock ground in the faint echoes of the gave.