Thursday, March 16, 2017
Kui jää on sulanud siit maalt.
Sahmitsedes kirjutan ja otsin vaeva, mis ära kannaks mind,
annaks lootusele ooteaja mil pean ootama sind.
See kaugus, see pöördumatu ind mis minus tahab
ja loodab ja teab, et see on püha.
Üha enam ja enam ma muutun vaevusest rikkaks,
veel ja veel ma ihkan ja ihkan ning su pihta lausun palved ikka.
See rikkis süda ja püha vaim, teeb oma töö,
nüüd minus tärkamas on aim, et usk läbib kõik ootuse öö.
Lootusetult lootes seda ootuse müra,
seal kaugel, kus kõik on nüüd ja juhtumas mu silme ees,
kus lõpuks öelda saan neid igavikulisi sõnu, "jah, olen sinu murtud mees".
Siin vaguralt istun oma põgusa aduga, olen morn ja hallis,
isegi sellel kõrbeteel ainsad eludega sõnad mul polekski nii kallid
kui neid vaid lausuda saaksin sinule kallis.
Nüüd kui päikese okstele maandub öölind
on mu mõistus ainsaks veepiisaks õhtu härmas,
ometigi mu aeg pole nii kallis hind,
et oodata ei võiks sind mu armas.
Sunday, March 12, 2017
I hope you can help me overcome my inability to receive love.
I hope you can help me overcome my inability to receive love.
When God said He loves me personally, it broke me down, still does, I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to receive love. I am learning as I go, Jesus is teaching me a lot of things about himself. He is life afterall.
I'm not sure though why some people look up to me, or why they find favor in their hearts for me... I guess God has changed their hearts as well.
I don't really like recognition...I just am afraid of pride, it's an ugly face, yet I consider myself as the very least of any saint.
This itself raises a complex question. Bible says whoever desires to be greates among you, they should serve you, e.g consider themselves as the very least and only serving God and others. Humility brings exaltedness, but what does a man deserve before God? I do not think I deserve this life, I am nothing before God, His mercy and love and wisdom is beyond me and my capacity to live and comprehend. What do I have to show before His majesty to deserve such a blessing as even knowing you this very little, as I do right now?
Yet my heart cries for you, it cries a grievous cry to the Lord, because you do not know it.
I wish you did.
And I weep, I am a broken man before the Almighty who has seen it in His wisdom to bless me with understanding and knowledge of you. I am grieved for you do not see me nor desire to know me as far as I know and see.
For God this is not an issue, His ways are infinitely higher than ours and this mountain too has been conquered. I on the other hand am just a man, I can not do the work of the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, I can not do what is appointed for Him to fulfill. For me, I am only required patience and preserverance. So I wait here, I weep and I grieve and I pray and I am brought to humility in which I delight in.
I wish to know the Lord better and patience works itself on my deep longing desire.
When God said He loves me personally, it broke me down, still does, I just don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to receive love. I am learning as I go, Jesus is teaching me a lot of things about himself. He is life afterall.
I'm not sure though why some people look up to me, or why they find favor in their hearts for me... I guess God has changed their hearts as well.
I don't really like recognition...I just am afraid of pride, it's an ugly face, yet I consider myself as the very least of any saint.
This itself raises a complex question. Bible says whoever desires to be greates among you, they should serve you, e.g consider themselves as the very least and only serving God and others. Humility brings exaltedness, but what does a man deserve before God? I do not think I deserve this life, I am nothing before God, His mercy and love and wisdom is beyond me and my capacity to live and comprehend. What do I have to show before His majesty to deserve such a blessing as even knowing you this very little, as I do right now?
Yet my heart cries for you, it cries a grievous cry to the Lord, because you do not know it.
I wish you did.
And I weep, I am a broken man before the Almighty who has seen it in His wisdom to bless me with understanding and knowledge of you. I am grieved for you do not see me nor desire to know me as far as I know and see.
For God this is not an issue, His ways are infinitely higher than ours and this mountain too has been conquered. I on the other hand am just a man, I can not do the work of the Lord, the Lord of Hosts, I can not do what is appointed for Him to fulfill. For me, I am only required patience and preserverance. So I wait here, I weep and I grieve and I pray and I am brought to humility in which I delight in.
I wish to know the Lord better and patience works itself on my deep longing desire.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
"Stupid wilderness." - Kevin 1994-2017
"There is nothing but stupid rocks in this wilderness, and when you accidentally touch them they just cry out "God". What the heck!?
Oh look, and that stupid bush is on fire. Sorry Lord I don't mean to run my mouth
You are a very very holy and God your works are amazing, I really do mean it. Your timing your and creation are magnificent.
But what the hell am I doing in the middle of nowhere?!
Is this one of those "it's not about the destination but the journey" type things? Cuz I aint buying it."
Mumbling to himself he goes ahead and squeezes drinking water out one of the rocks he kicked earlier.
"And another thing, what's this white stuff?? Why have you named this manna, or is it us that named it? And what's with the weird taste? I mean what is that, ugh. Also who made these rocks so wet that you can squeeze water out of them? It makes no sense!
W h a t t h e h e l l a m I d o i n g i n t h e m i d d l e o f a n e m p t y v a l l e y?!! How far til we get to Betlehem?"
He sits down.
"No that's it. I'm not walking further. We will camp here. Seriously, where is my wife in all of this? She is missing out all this fun freaking experience of the wild. Oh yay me and Daddy are going out for an adventure, He said I will meet my beautiful amazing wife to be here. Wow I'm so excited. Oh wait...I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. I guess He forgot to mention that nobody hangs out in the desert, it's just us two and not us three(looking at you love), but us two, me and Daddy."
He starts setting up the tent.
"Stupid freaking desert, stupid wilderness, stupid rocks and more rocks, oh look a mountain of sand." Sigh.
"You know, it is kind of nice for us two to hang out yknow. I guess I knew exactly what was coming, I just didnt realize it myself. I dont really mind hanging out with you, I guess it makes sense that you are an outdoors kind of Father. And maybe the best way to connect with your son is by taking him where you feel at home. I'm sorry for running my mouth and calling you out on being here, it is actually kind of nice. It is pretty cool to stare at the stars during night time with you. Plus I've never once thirsted nor run low on food. I guess what I'm trying to say is I appreciate you Father, and I love you very much and I'm just a man yknow and I really want to love big. I guess I sometimes I am dumb enough to expect the same back from people and not you. I know well enough that your love is the only one that has ever changed me. Thanks Dad, I love you... Oh and by the way, this rock here" He streches out his hand towards the Lord, holding a small piece of white marble. "I picked this one up when we were setting up the tent. Its my favorite, I like the way it looks and feels, so strong and solid, like you Daddy."
The Lord smiles.
Oh look, and that stupid bush is on fire. Sorry Lord I don't mean to run my mouth
You are a very very holy and God your works are amazing, I really do mean it. Your timing your and creation are magnificent.
But what the hell am I doing in the middle of nowhere?!
Is this one of those "it's not about the destination but the journey" type things? Cuz I aint buying it."
Mumbling to himself he goes ahead and squeezes drinking water out one of the rocks he kicked earlier.
"And another thing, what's this white stuff?? Why have you named this manna, or is it us that named it? And what's with the weird taste? I mean what is that, ugh. Also who made these rocks so wet that you can squeeze water out of them? It makes no sense!
W h a t t h e h e l l a m I d o i n g i n t h e m i d d l e o f a n e m p t y v a l l e y?!! How far til we get to Betlehem?"
He sits down.
"No that's it. I'm not walking further. We will camp here. Seriously, where is my wife in all of this? She is missing out all this fun freaking experience of the wild. Oh yay me and Daddy are going out for an adventure, He said I will meet my beautiful amazing wife to be here. Wow I'm so excited. Oh wait...I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. I guess He forgot to mention that nobody hangs out in the desert, it's just us two and not us three(looking at you love), but us two, me and Daddy."
He starts setting up the tent.
"Stupid freaking desert, stupid wilderness, stupid rocks and more rocks, oh look a mountain of sand." Sigh.
"You know, it is kind of nice for us two to hang out yknow. I guess I knew exactly what was coming, I just didnt realize it myself. I dont really mind hanging out with you, I guess it makes sense that you are an outdoors kind of Father. And maybe the best way to connect with your son is by taking him where you feel at home. I'm sorry for running my mouth and calling you out on being here, it is actually kind of nice. It is pretty cool to stare at the stars during night time with you. Plus I've never once thirsted nor run low on food. I guess what I'm trying to say is I appreciate you Father, and I love you very much and I'm just a man yknow and I really want to love big. I guess I sometimes I am dumb enough to expect the same back from people and not you. I know well enough that your love is the only one that has ever changed me. Thanks Dad, I love you... Oh and by the way, this rock here" He streches out his hand towards the Lord, holding a small piece of white marble. "I picked this one up when we were setting up the tent. Its my favorite, I like the way it looks and feels, so strong and solid, like you Daddy."
The Lord smiles.
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