To the world that judges me based on my accomplishments.

Even though I'm not able to uphold my life, I've given my life offering to God. I've offered my life because I have nothing else to give. He has honored me in my offering and redeemed me. Even though I'm not able to be at my best uphold a job that the world wants to see, I'm honored by God. And He has given me a platform to speak and a platform to preach.

Now world you may see a failure, a useless man but I've already been presented before over a hundred men whom I've preached to. These ain't Christian's , these are non Christian's, sinners, now if you think you're better than me then fine. Go and build your magnificence and become glorious before God. Whereas I'm that woman who gave two copper coins and God saw this as a great sacrifice and is redeeming me, because I have nothing more to give.

You can go ahead and disown me, you can go ahead and rejected me. But I'm not great in the eyes of men anyway.

I am honored in the sight of God and redeemed and loved. You too are loved, but the differences don't build a kingdom , I'm becoming the very least of the saints.

In truth I can't build a kingdom even, I am unable to. I can not because I'm not my own and my life belongs to the Lord. He can establish me, He can take me and give me as He is my owner and He is my master to Him I've given my life. And He has honored me when I'm no bigger than anyone.


God is good.

Groanings too deep for words

What do you want from a kid who wants nothing but to sit in your presence.

Even if I fall asleep every time in your peace. I just want to be in your presence.

Man I'm nobody, it bugs me so hard sometimes. I'm nothing, I'm a nobody whom only you seem to really take interest in. Lord what do you want from me?
You know very well that I have no aspirations anymore, I don't expect anything too much yknow. Man, sure it would be cool for this and that, but I'll be honest I don't really dream like that. For me it's nothing further than a simple "I want to rest here doing this whatever it is" .

I guess I realize I'm lazy, I don't want anything. So what's the point of asking anymore. I'm not willing to...most mostly anything it seems. Maybe I'd like to be willing, but I don't believe I'm like that... Man... I have no drive to life, in a sense I'm senseless. I believe I have a purpose, because You seem to be using me regardless if I feel it or not.

They can tell me all day "you need to do this or that" or "get it together". Perhaps there's no real person behind these thoughts of mine, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't amount up to any kind of standard.

So here I am, broken, undefined, clay sitting on your shelf. I can't be an unfinished project of yours, but I'm tired of asking because my heart is wrong. Man I'd love to kinda have it together but I am unwilling to touch my own life, it's yours, do with it or don't. Maybe you have a use for a useless saint, maybe you'll use me less.

Tired

I'm so tired. I am tired of everything. All my life is just tired. In believe in Him. I'm sure He will deliver me and just unburden me from my mind.
There's so much that's just too much.
Lord, help me out of this please.

I've taken up video games again, just to cope. I should... There's that word.. should. What do I even need to do idk. I'm worn out. I'd like to spend time with Jesus, idk why I'm just not.. Or not into it. Is all a mess and I need God. I need Him, I know I do.

I'm between conflict of wanting to play video games and condemned for doing so but at the same I don't know exact why I desire this and that if I'm with God or not. I hope He fixes this mess... I kinda can't..

I'll be honest I'm fed up trying to be loved by God or liked by Him, I just need His grace and I'm tired of moving. I think He loves me as I am but I need His grace now more than ever. I got some head knowledge on what tbe things of God are that He likes, but I need His love His heart for me to fulfill His desires from me. And that's how it is and I'm not able to go further.

The dirtbag, His loved.

I'm just a dirtbag who loves God.

Maybe not a lot of aspirations, maybe not a lot of dreams but with the hope of God.

So I'm not special, in anything I think I really might be the very least. But...I have Him.

I don't look too good nor I have a fantastic body or anything, not too athletic or anything that great, perhaps not someone with a great a job at all, if I even have one... But yknow His love makes me, shapes me and more and more I'm free to be more me.

I guess I'm that way.

Reckless love

The love of a heavenly Father.

Beyond reasoning, beyond comprehension, beyond fear... Beyond shame, beyond doubt, beyond grief. It's not simple compassion, it's more than compassion, it's relief, it's comforting, loving, it understands your pain, it helps in trouble, it waits for you, it comes after you, it greets you, it heals you. It gives you hope, it takes you in, it grooms you and ties your wounds. It actually welcomes you. Feeling welcomed among His presence, being welcomed to His life, to His glory, to His goodness, to His love. Being welcomed by Him and His compassion, there's no better thing. It would be good if I were able to love like He does.

Only love

The Lord has been dealing with some internal pain of mine lately. He has brought up many things. I've kept a record of His doings on my phone but I will probably not publish it.

I didn't know how much pain I'm really living under. He is just slowly taking these things away. And when He is taking care of me and grooming me from these places of anguish in my soul, a lot of burdens are being released. He is faithful to complete His work in me and His love abides everywhere around me and within me.

I'm beginning to realize a few things about friendship, what is necessary for me to hold a friendship. Not about what I can do for a friendship relationship but rather what I need. I really need love and for me I'm not really receiving any. I think I know what my love languages are and both of these are foreign in most of interaction I have in my life.

I hope this will change soon, I'd like to have a friend.

I was thinking of getting a dog but it really doesn't look like a possibility. It's not so much as being lonely ,fortunately I don't feel it that much. But rather I'm just missing someone who likes ...me.

In all honesty I believe most people really don't know much about me or my struggles or really what's going internally within, actually maybe no one does. I don't even write it out anymore. However this really opens me up for the Lord and I love Him. He cares for me, He actually is eager to hear what I have to say or what's on my heart. I wanna be true to Him.

However in this place that I'm in now, I really am no longer open. So all ideas of an actual relationship is... if maybe even repulsive for me. I don't really want anything or anyone.
Whereas indeed I'd like a friend for me, I kinda wanna push people further, especially women. I can't even deal with the idea of having another burden on me as a wife may be, because let's be honest what I hear and see is nothing but hardship. I'm fed up with hardship, what's the use of more dirt... So in a way my tune of heart sings "leave me alone, only Lord come near".

I'm in pain, I'm alone and I'm tired of myself and life.

This song has been with me for so so long. Still applicable.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Cd1x3ikVb67AZsX38UesY?si=fL_6ORl8TdqvWBsPWY44BA

Psalm 145, ode to the greatness of the Lord

But who can stand upright in thy courts O Lord. Gracious and high up are you. Exalted is Your name O Lord. Who can stand upright in your presence, who can bear this glory that is the knowledge of your Highness.

How can a man achieve thy precepts, how can a man stay among your love and persist in knowing you intimately. Who can come close to the Lord? No one can bear the weight of your glory.

O King if I may only bear witness to your courts and faithfulness and your judgements and precepts, that would be a great man, a great work. If I may only bear witness of your ways and your love for me and men's souls, then that would be great.

If I may only bear witness to your righteousness and mercy towards me, that would be grand, far beyond all that I may ask. If I may dwell in your courts and dwell in your words that would be a blessing forever.

Blessed be your mighty name, exalted be your King of Israel, of Earth, exalted be His name. Exalted be Jesus the Son of God, the King of Kings, the name above every name.