Theory of everything

I think I have concluded why we consider ourselves so special, I mean as a species not necessarily as individuals.


So when someone would ask me '' What is the meaning of life? '' . In essence it is such a grand question, THE question. right? Something you wouldn't expect a real answer to, other than your everyday wishes and/or desires. We define ourselves by what we desire - it's fairly simple really, and it makes sense, in a broad world as such you would need to be someone in order to get something, in other-words to get what we desire we need to sculpt out a mathematically sound chance to get that ''something''... Basic reasoning, I know, it's something We All Know.

Well.. how come? How come do we talk about that all the time, in media, ''to get somewhere, start working on it''. We have managed to somehow create a situation where we (as a species) LIMIT what we can have.. as if to say that life consists of competition, because surely the earth is just too damn small for us plebeians, if we don't get bigger land or whatnot we would be lessers to state our privilege among oursleves(ironically). It's definitely a simple equation that we live by, but it also isn't the meaning of life is it? We don't expect this answer when we as''what is the meaning of life'', but we get it every time that's for sure.

We don't expect it because it's wrong, that equation does not equal to life. It's close, but it's not what truly all life... and honestly everything consists of. To be perfectly frank then the universe consists of only one action, movement. Simple, I know. To figure that out is terribly easy, just look at what everything does. Every single atom and vibration whats to ''be'' somewhere. Wants to move there to simply become. It's all just movement. hence'' in order to get something you need to be someone'', which we skillfully interpret once again as competition among us mortals. On a quantum level we know how to ''be'' something else, and we can safely shift from one state to another, but on a cellular and upwards(the areas that are in control of your brain) we simply take everything as a challenge to our own authority of existence.

So what's the problem with that state of mind? The way we express this ''grand knowledge'' is relatively flawed.
We come from a rather shallow point of understanding to approach general matter. The perspective of ''what this new *insert technology* will do for us'' is simply unlawful. In terms of universe all it means is '' it can not be'', so we're going against the flow not with it. The universe surely doesn't do anything for itself, it is itself, it no longer needs to become. What it or who it is,  is just endless self. Universe doesn't go around thinking how to become more when he already achieved becoming most. So that means universe simply IS.

Now this part is already a bit confusing I'm sure, but let me expand this to ourselves(humans). We know that universe IS. It exists, does it not? If it exists it definitely IS. And there's the first problem with humans in general. We need to prove the existence of the universe by measurements and ideas what we came up with. We need to know how far can we go and how high can we climb, how hot can we withstand and how purple can we see.

We literally come here in this particular society called humanity to experience how not to be, but how to become.  Yes it collides nicely with the theory of eventual godhood. Make more technology, make better technology, sense further, drive further, see further, be far away. We want to become so much more evolved than we already are. We want to have more control over the universe than it has on us. In general : ''lets just do it''.

  For us .. it is such a difficult equation to break, because after all, this is why we even come here to experience something extraordinary, a new perspective of the universe - Imagine that. ''How not to be the universe''. A fantastic point of view, a bit on the extremists side, but definitely fascinating. But what I don't understand, is why do we think in the scope of ''I sure hope I can be everything one day''. I lack understanding on how do these people not see that they are everything This day.

Now I've heard this before, ''learn to appreciate what you have so you find out who you are'' , but I don't think that's how it works... You can't appreciate something that you feel or see in order to find out who you are, because you already ARE IT.

It's just a senseless waste of energy honestly. But alright... it's a niche of this culture, fair enough. It's a human thing, I can definitely accept that, after all, I am here for it.
But it seems you people are awfully worried about where we're heading as a whole... Yes yes I get it, ''go, work, become, expand'' I get that you can't help but to become anxious as soon as something new and exciting happens(like the leaps of advancement in technology bringing us on the brink of immortality for exmaple).
  But I can assure you, we're definitely heading in the right direction, as there can not be a wrong one (since the universe simply IS, which is where we're headed).

But seriously, the advancements in technology in ways that you would not even believe, is bringing us closer and closer to becoming ''Gods'' to finally escape our bounds of not being it. Which all sounds great and I'm definitely rooting for you guys that's for sure. But I don't understand why can you not understand that you're not separating from the universe and becoming an entity outside its reach. We can not be separate, individuals from the universe...

Now I'm not entirely certain of this, but it seems like you expect to become more than already is/exists. I don't know why that would be, is it the fact that you see people who are richer as someone who is definitely more in control than you can ever be? Well .. they're not, bottom line is, they will die( for now) and so will you.
In terms of the universe you guys are definitely equal, and no amount of matter that you accumulate to justify your existence really changes that.
 In fact it's probably a funny in the ironical sense of the earth distributing metals around using you as assets, because ultimately that metal won't do you any good. So maybe the Earth, hell even the universe wanted that gold plated lambo to be in that particular spot in some rich blokes garage, as it will come to play later. Much much later.

 Now I realize that that previous statement sounded awful close to the theory of everyone simply being pawns to a greater power, which is also not true.
  I find that, as truly being the universe, I want(ed) to be here, thus I chose whatever I have right now. Truth be told I don't find the necessity to prove that I am more universe than the next fellow across the globe. I already know what I am, and I intent to ''be'' anyway.

 So I don't get you people, what all the fuss is about becoming something or other. Again, it seems to be a human way of things, ''not to be, but to become''. It's definitely interesting, but I do sometimes wonder what's the point... Experience I guess. For someone who has traveled to many stars, I'm sure this place would be extremely exotic. Oh and when you think about it , every religion states the same message '' not to be, but to become''. So there's some fuel for the thought....

Blizzard

''There goes the last of my medical supplies.'' , looking at my personal patch up job for my burnt  hand. The cloth is already a bit bloody but it seems to contain the wound well enough. Sure it hurts like hell but I must admit I did a good job covering up the damage..'' in fact I'm confident enough to say that this will heal in no time'' , I lie to myself cheerily trying to ignore the freezing tear rolling down my left cheeck.

While I tend to my wounds a loud thumping and tearing sound grabs my attention. Squinting towards the entrance  I notice a blurry mess laying in front of it. It's a bit hard to tell with the snowstorm cutting your vision off more than half, but I know exactly what's going on. I sigh and help myself to my legs, which are not as stable as they were a few days ago ''damned thing keeps falling apart'' , I stumble towards the entrance of the cave. Among the rubble I locate all the pieces of wood and attempt to patch them together with the same piece of half-torn string I've been using for the other 23 patch jobs on the same setup.   The idea is simple, have a semi doorframe looking apparatus at the entrance of the cave with a bit of a roof reaching out of the cave, so I wouldn't have chunks of ice fall on my head as I exit and enter my dorm. The problem with my construction is my lack of expertiese, patience and proper equpment. Hell if I'd have at least a dozen or two nails, I could get this damned thing sturdier than my sanity. Finished with the construction work, I wipe my brow from cold sweat as I notice my eyesight blurring. It was then when it hit me. ''I haven't had an ounce of sleep for the past 17 hours or so. And I've been constantly running from demons for the past few days''  Now exhausted I shamble to my already dying fire which I lit not longer than an hour ago. I gather some more logs to throw onto the fire, sure they are a little bit moist but good enough to catch fire and burn for a decent while.

Sitting down once again, I start rumaging through my packpack. Through the sound of vials clattering against each other I hear myself mutter in despair, ''now where did I put that damn ointment'',  when I finally found it. A small modest looking vial containing an emerald blue liquid with a slight undertone of green shade to it. ''Here it is, Anguta! Bloody difficult to make, but this will surely keep me out of the cold for at least 72 hours'' I down half of the contents of the small bottle which almost made me vomit. The taste is similar to blue mynthon mixed with rotten seaweed and fish eyes. I shiver and start losing my senses, I've seen someone else take the potion before, it didn't look pleasant, at least for the couple of hours. I figured it somehow overrides the nervous system increasing the blood and oxygen fusion and heightening your entire system to a state where it is impossible to cool it down. Weather like this is perfect conditions for this potion.
I grab the small mirror facing the ground next to my bed and look at my face. ''White retinas aside I look like I'm enjoying myself. Good. I should sleep''. Last thing I remember is the sound of the mirror dropping onto the hard rock ground in the faint echoes of the gave.

The City is burning

Cold wind swallows me into the bellows of reality. Sunlight has become so far between that I can no longer remember when last I felt the gentle beams of life on my face.

It must be unbearable down there, the screams have all ceased, I don't think anyone is alive anymore. The fire has taken everything in its path; it's the apocalypse of those poor souls. I'm not worried about what might happen to them, I just hate the idea of ending up alone. I guess that doesn't matter now, I'm the last soul awake and alive. All sins of this city have been cleansed and all evil that men have done got taken back with each lick of red agony.

It's not that cold up here, I expected worse really, then again maybe there's not much feeling left in me after seeing hundreds of thousands of souls burn in misery. I wonder if I'll ever be left feeling guilty - sure I could have saved a few people at least, but that wouldn't do them no better as they would have died from the cold anyway...

I've always known that I end up alone, just hoped that I was wrong, it's some inner wisdom that constantly reminds me that even if I don't succeed in finding closure I'll always have myself. The fire will keep company for some time, that's for sure. - Funny how such a gentle element can have so devastating results.

Maybe I should have stayed and accepted salvation as they did. That would have given me a free ticket out. Would I be any more happy about it? I doubt it.. besides it seems mindless to immolate yourself over another's mistake. If anything I'm surprised that nobody else made it out, surely someone saw it coming?
No, it's still just me, I'm alone.

This emptiness I have made my home

Anxiety also known as emotional death. --

As I beg heaven to ascend me, to send down love, to send recognition and compassion. I kneel before life, asking it to marry death, for an ever-long dance of shadows where we can truly love. Bloodied I kneel before my reflection of life, darkness waiting behind to catch and caress my mind once again. Red life-force seeping onto the ground completing the circle for the fourth year in a row. Time laughs as a distant companion in the fog of today, I am alone.

Loneliness has never meant much for me, as a biological mechanism I'm built to function without compassion or warmth. Logic will always stay to govern this vessel through danger, yet I lack meaning. I am burdened by emptiness which I have made my home from. My kingdom is cold, I have allowed everyone who doesn't feel as if they belong to leave, I intend keep no one in this endless misery. I can not possibly cope taking down another soul for my madness of relying on the warmth of the sun, when it oh so rarely visits me. The ice has drawn out the last of my fear; even it seeks warmth from me, warmth that I can not give, I am left fearless.

My soul is dying from the inside out, I fall further into darkness, every day I get wrapped into the warping of contempt, generated by cold hard logic and reason. My reflection mocks me, my heart is all I can still rely on, and even he laughs at me; ''It's simple, ask me what to do and you'll find sunlight in the end of the tunnel''. I follow his direction like a disciple, I trust in him, yet as soon as I act on his command, life pushes me away once again.

Darkness she is always waiting, she sees my pain, she whispers words of compassion and creates a feeling of belonging, a child of light shouldn't go into her domain, not like this. She's all but too eager to give my life meaning once again, I've been with her, yet she hasn't met any of my needs, but she's always there willing to forgive me.

In the twilight of my last breath, under the fourth cycle closing in, I know that if heaven ignores my cry, I will fall. I will descend into the darkness and am not sure if I'm able to climb back again. As I continue my Last year of torment.
I'm summoning my last will to fight and to keep going, but I'm pulled further and further down into the darkness, I reach for the light, but she pushes my hand away and repeats ''Not strong enough''. Heaven denies my existence, hell welcomes me, help me god or I will die.

13th Salamander

One might fall.
One might fall into a night of never ending terror and abyss -
a torture what we've accepted and become comfortable with, feeling uneasy and uncertain full of anxiety that tires your mind. It is a torture that we willingly put ourselves in, it's love.
It's love that tortures a mans soul, in particular falling in love.


Every single time I find myself in the web of seduction I ask myself why am I here, and why won't I leave.
It's an illness that I don't mind, it's an omen of change that has crept up on me so suddenly that I had not even a hair of time to react until justice was done and I was swept off my feet. Falling gracefully into the bliss of ''the dream''. I keep thinking she is here, the dream has arrived and it will soothe me to sleep from this nightmare, from this hell we call life. I keep thinking that this creature from another world can change me in ways that make me complete I think to myself that I am now more than I have ever been... and then I get shocked up from my lull only to get reminded to be patient, graceful.
Grace. I can not be graceful, I am the essence of fire, of explosions and destruction. Fire burns brighter as fuel is added to my rage to my everlasting anger and lust - and within this chaos and dooming forest fire she steps in, unable to be harmed, unable to be shoved or moved into the burning pits of demise. Uncontrollable. As she gracefully walks towards me with a smile on her face that could resemble a thousand mirrors shattered in evenings sunlight she walks towards me. Her hair simple, unwrapped, free and loose reminding the observer of her wild nature. Her eyes emerald green, overshadowing my red temper. Fury and anger are dispelled, I only have one thought in my mind, her. She has showed up and turned hell into a bad dream. My mind can not cope with what has happened, I gained control, over myself, but not over her. Having put out the forest fire I try and kindle her a warm fireplace, all my rage and anger have been reduced to a subtle arch of flame with the only intention of keeping her warm. And all of the blaze she witnessed does not baffle her, it doesn't even shake her the least bit, she goes on pretending, playing her game as if she had never been touched by flames that surrounded her a minute ago. All my thoughts are formed into one word; her. I can no longer ignite another flame, because she has taken my heart full of fuel unaware of the terrible fact that the heart of a salamander is it's only organ that prevents it from getting burned. She leaves me sitting here burning in agony yet dreaming of having one more moment with her, hoping that future brings fire back to my chest.

Nationality in general...and whatnot

I'm sure many would like to think that being part of a nation i.e Russia, USA, England etc provides great unity between people. We'd like to think that our land borders are there to signify our greatness as a unit of man. And yes in some sense it is true, but a very primitive way of thinking. ''How so?'' I hear you ask. Well it's no surprise that most of European cultural beliefs and standards of 'doing things the right way' i.e not putting your hands in the pockets especially when talking to a stranger( we do this passively most of the time), saying phrases like ''bon apetit'' before starting meals or hitting glasses of alcohol together with one-another before drinking it collectively, derive from the middle age's cultural standards. Back then you had to take hands out of your pocket in order to emphasize harmlessness, meaning you don't mean anyone harm and come unarmed, we say "bon apetit" because upper class citizens had food fests where they ate so much food they had to puke it out in order to make room for more, but it was so nasty that they encouraged themselves by saying ''bon apetit'' aka ''enjoy your meal'' and hitting glasses together when it comes to drinking was because poisoning used common, so to show our trust in another and show others that the drinks have not been poisoned we hit the drinks together so hard that the fluids would mix, so IF someones drink was poisoned all of the group would get poisoned equally(including the one who planted the poison), meaning nobody can escape.

Traveling obviously wasn't as high-tech as it is now, it took weeks, months, sometimes a year to get to a destination. So the perception of the world was gigantic, it took a lot of time to get from one end of the country to another. So why did nations mean a great deal back then? Since the distances were vast, people didn't mix all that well, thus creating cultural walls between nations. Every nation was different, yes, but far enough so we didn't see many other cultural customs. Because of that we deepened our own ways. However that created a bit of hostility between nations, because as we know in a mindset of "unity", the odd one standing out must not be like-minded therefore a threat our very being. I dare say that in some sense we were right back then, if we had constant cultural mixing we wouldn't have that much culture to study today and they tried to preserve that, now if that's a good or a bad thing that's up to you to decide, but I find cultural differences beautiful.

We still have our own ways of perceiving things that are culturally accustomed and that's good, I find it incredibly alluring how we each see the same object or action in a totally different light. We may have gestures that look similar but 1000km from us they mean a completely different thing. With the dawn of new age upon us we ought to encourage cultural mixing more.
So where does this leave nationalities and nationalism?

We have laws in every country to regulate 'immigrants' i.e people from another culture who come to stay among another culture because they prefer whatever that culture has to offer. Why prevent that? We shouldn't be scared of cultural mixing, the travel time between continents has decreased so much that trying to prevent blending is pointless. Now I know what you're thinking, if we open up every border how do we know when to protect our citizens, or in other ways of saying, our nations cultural relics? What if I said to that, that we don't need to protect ''our'' people, because each and every one of us is a person, all of the population is people. And they are just as much our people as your neighbor or your daughter. What if I said, that instead of protecting your people, we should protect the one in need of protection?

I see people stand tall and proud in front of others saying that their nation is greater than the one next to it, simply because that country has broader borders. How is that a place for pride? Why would one be proud of something that hinders their sight of the world? Now I live in a small country, where we had to fight for our freedom, for our independence even though I don't quite understand why. We nearly fail at being independent yet I still see people being proud and thumping their chests saying they are proud to be of this nation, yet I doubt they even have contributed to our culture that even makes this nation stand out. I no longer see a point in this arrogance, yes I understand blood has been spilled in the past in order to achieve independence, but why be proud of something so vile? One is proud of being independent because another sacrificed himself in order to get you that pride. It makes no sense, because the land is still the same, the climate didn't change, there has been nothing so significant that I can call ''worthy'' of such a sacrifice to get independence. So why have borders on our way of perception? Isn't it better to know more about the world than to scowl at your brother 1000km away from you?

I propose a new way of thinking, quite many are actually familiar with this out of the box way of thinking, but maybe it should be heard outside of the smaller communities to a larger audience? Instead of calling yourself Russian, American, Italian, Spanish etc try ''Worldean'' you are just as much part of the world as the other. Your significance in terms of the entire population is equal to the person next to you. And lets be honest, with so many newborns each day, we need to start thinking about ways to get along instead of waging wars at someone who comes from a different cultural background( even if culture isn't the motive ). Maybe if... ( I know this sounds crazy but..) we started to accept that all of us are equally in the same mess of a world we can unite as a whole and clear things up before our children have to experience another war...

...Try it, it's fun.

A path leading in a circular motion.

It's been ..

How do you keep giving to your reality when it gives nothing back? How does one have faith when faith constantly challenges him? How do I find my path when I'm constantly made to make a choice?

---
Chapter one. Fight.

And I told the world that if it wants to bring me to my knees then it'll have to give it all.

A disciple of life is always content with where he is, a disciple of life will know when to stand down and when to fight. The traveler knows which path to take and where to rest, the traveler knows  the shortest routes to the best locations. The wanderer is content with who they are, they know exactly who to talk to and what to do whenever they are down, they go by in life with only them in mind but constantly grabbing people along, showing them wonder and venom. I said to myself, I'm a disciple of life, I shall challenge it and let be challenged by it. I said to myself I can take any blow it throws at me. Yes, indeed I am still standing but at what cost? I fought myself to hell, to someones nightmare and for so long that I was left in dismay. I created the world around me, and I danced with dreams and nightmares in the same masquerade party who I was the host of. Twisted and torn in both directions of good and bad I was still standing, ready to dance. But I could never win as a disciple against my master, I could never master life, I decided to leave the battle and hike...

Chapter two. Eastern winds.

I decided to walk: never been too fond of speed, I set myself on a course of existence. I wanted to find my way into meaning. I walked for miles,  I conquered my fears with every step taking me deeper and deeper into chaos. As a person with not much care for material nature I constantly kept losing bits and pieces of my self. The cloak and coat I decided to wear for my journey have been torn and barely give me heat. I traveled until I came to a spot where I could rest. An old shabby inn called ''A fork in the road'' south of responsibility and southeast from success. It was then when I realized I'm going nowhere, I don't have a destination. Conveniently enough, (to my ill-faith) the inn was at a crossroads. It didn't see many travelers but whoever passed by had an idea or goal in mind. I was welcomed with sorrow and confusion, yet I was warm. I had been sitting at the crossroads inn for a while until someone came along and asked directions from me. They were going where I just came from. I then remembered where I was and why I came. I was searching for myself way out here.

Chapter three. No choices.

I wandered for times and times, I had no goals or searches in mind. I was everything but content with myself. I tried to accept the fact that I have grown and gone and lived through what poisons me. I discovered what potential I do have, yet I never learned how to use it.

Circles, squares and triangles.

I wanted to mark my journey, I think I still do. It's called a tattoo, that will hopefully illustrate my arm and tell a story of where I'm from. I invested more in spirituality, even spiritual ''tools'', just to be accepting, to love myself so that I could love the world. I made no major decisions, I barely made decisions at all, I tried to get by in this wasteland. In the woods I did come by a few shifting figures, I never made much of it, but... it turns out they made much of me.




Chapter four. Responsibility and the crash.

I never quite was in peace with myself and they definitely knew. A constant reminder was being repeated from the haze, ''you are not who you think you are, you are who I think you are''. I didn't make much of it, decided that as far as decision making goes I don't need to worry myself with it. The announcer declared that I had no place until I submit. Once again I chose to make no choice, not realizing that this is also choosing. The message was clear and getting louder," I am not me, I simply no longer am." With anxiety and fading wonders I was being directed towards the heart of the storm. Sailors know well that the safest place to be in during a storm is at the middle of it. Unfortunately I'm no sailor and this was definitely not the storm they had in mind. Pushed into this void I realize that making decisions is not that bad after all. I knew that the universe will always accept my choices, my decisions and provide with what I want. Right?

Chapter five. Fire
Time has no real place here, it just simply isn't relevant anymore. I am now a key component in a flame that needs to keep burning. Not sure if I'm oxygen, fuel or warmth, but I'm in this cycle and there's no simple way to escape this without the fire burning out. How do I replace my source, why did I venture this far in the first place? I thought I was looking for myself - if that's true then why have I not found it yet? How do I provide to this flame when it gives me nothing in return apart from the fireplace where I'm ''welcomed'' to stay. The only thing that really burns in these flames in my eyes is the question ''Who, am I?''