This emptiness I have made my home

Anxiety also known as emotional death. --

As I beg heaven to ascend me, to send down love, to send recognition and compassion. I kneel before life, asking it to marry death, for an ever-long dance of shadows where we can truly love. Bloodied I kneel before my reflection of life, darkness waiting behind to catch and caress my mind once again. Red life-force seeping onto the ground completing the circle for the fourth year in a row. Time laughs as a distant companion in the fog of today, I am alone.

Loneliness has never meant much for me, as a biological mechanism I'm built to function without compassion or warmth. Logic will always stay to govern this vessel through danger, yet I lack meaning. I am burdened by emptiness which I have made my home from. My kingdom is cold, I have allowed everyone who doesn't feel as if they belong to leave, I intend keep no one in this endless misery. I can not possibly cope taking down another soul for my madness of relying on the warmth of the sun, when it oh so rarely visits me. The ice has drawn out the last of my fear; even it seeks warmth from me, warmth that I can not give, I am left fearless.

My soul is dying from the inside out, I fall further into darkness, every day I get wrapped into the warping of contempt, generated by cold hard logic and reason. My reflection mocks me, my heart is all I can still rely on, and even he laughs at me; ''It's simple, ask me what to do and you'll find sunlight in the end of the tunnel''. I follow his direction like a disciple, I trust in him, yet as soon as I act on his command, life pushes me away once again.

Darkness she is always waiting, she sees my pain, she whispers words of compassion and creates a feeling of belonging, a child of light shouldn't go into her domain, not like this. She's all but too eager to give my life meaning once again, I've been with her, yet she hasn't met any of my needs, but she's always there willing to forgive me.

In the twilight of my last breath, under the fourth cycle closing in, I know that if heaven ignores my cry, I will fall. I will descend into the darkness and am not sure if I'm able to climb back again. As I continue my Last year of torment.
I'm summoning my last will to fight and to keep going, but I'm pulled further and further down into the darkness, I reach for the light, but she pushes my hand away and repeats ''Not strong enough''. Heaven denies my existence, hell welcomes me, help me god or I will die.