Broken to the point where beauty shines through

Right now I'm going through some serious brokenness before the Lord. It's like all my being is just bare before Him with this one deep deep desire I have from Him, that one thing I ask.

My soul is like sand in His fingers. I'm just waiting on Him. And I keep asking Him like a child asks His father if it can be so. I feel like I'm almost as if in a desert and I'm handed this cup of water but I can not yet reach it. And my soul just yearns for it and breaks me. I'm so tender in my innermost being, it's like every negative word or a no just tears me up, both in tears and tearing. 

I keep going but also trying to be very still not to ruin it. To be honest I'm really scared. But the Lord keeps telling me keep going - it's almost like I've been going up this long mountain. I know what I expect from the top but it all just becomes hazy at some point. And now I feel like I'm so close to the depth of my soul and my desire, I'm so close and I have to be real patient now. 

O Lord you're asking your child who loves to laugh and travel and dance and joke around to sit still. Lord don't you know how hard it is, but Father because of you are I'm being very patient. It's honestly so beautiful what you've done in me. I really really hope to be a blessing, I really do. 

Lord you know me, this depth is not foreign to you. This one thing I have asked, please don't let it fall through this time, may it come, please. 

My thoughts are not for evil , but to encourage and bless you. I don't want to take away but build and give to you. I do not want trouble , but I want to be there when it strikes to shield you. No I don't doubt in your ability, quite the opposite, I wanna enable it and encourage you for it. I know this is between the Lord and you, but I have asked for you. 

Now I just sit and patiently wait for the Lord. I think He will come! What is another day among a thousand :) 

Actually it's funny, I have to preach to my own soul just to stay put and encouraged. Like I literally have to say like "My soul, hear me, put your hope on the Lord He will see you through, don't be discouraged oh soul, hope on the Lord He is righteous. Surely He will see you through and deliver you to the other side, He will come through!

Haha I realize it is just like David! 

I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord  In the land of the living. Wait for and confidently expect the Lord ; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for and confidently expect the Lord .

PSALMS 27:13‭-‬14 AMP

My heart is breaking into something beautiful.

Võib-olla siis Kui on küll

Jah sain aru küll,
Leidsin vale puu mille jalutsis üles okstepoole haukuda.

Sain pikapeale aru, see pole sina keda ma alla kutsun oma haugatustega.

Küllap ükspäev näen seda ,milles ma kõik osa olin oma haukumisega eks ikka selleks et sind hoida enda ligidal.

Küll ma näen seda ükspäev, su silmades, seda kuidas mu sõnad sinuni jõuavad ning meelega muudavad su südame pehmeks, voolitavaks - Sügavaks.

Küll ma näen veel neid aegu kui süda mu sõnades avardub ja siiruses sinule veel kohta valmistab.

Küll ma näen veel neid päevi kui Jumal hea olles lihtsalt head mulle näitab ja õpetab, eks see ole Tema enda hiilguseks.

Küll ma näen neid päevi, neid hirm-toredaid mõtteid sinust, sest see mille Jumal mulle annab ei ole korra, see on surmani. Selles on palju ilu.

Küll ma näen veel neid päevi. Haleluyah, küll ma näen neid päevi. Küll ma näen seda ilu veel, sest hea on Jumal ja Tema määrused on eluks. Hea on Tema kes kõiges kõike teab ning ilmale toob vaid õige.

To the world that judges me based on my accomplishments.

Even though I'm not able to uphold my life, I've given my life offering to God. I've offered my life because I have nothing else to give. He has honored me in my offering and redeemed me. Even though I'm not able to be at my best uphold a job that the world wants to see, I'm honored by God. And He has given me a platform to speak and a platform to preach.

Now world you may see a failure, a useless man but I've already been presented before over a hundred men whom I've preached to. These ain't Christian's , these are non Christian's, sinners, now if you think you're better than me then fine. Go and build your magnificence and become glorious before God. Whereas I'm that woman who gave two copper coins and God saw this as a great sacrifice and is redeeming me, because I have nothing more to give.

You can go ahead and disown me, you can go ahead and rejected me. But I'm not great in the eyes of men anyway.

I am honored in the sight of God and redeemed and loved. You too are loved, but the differences don't build a kingdom , I'm becoming the very least of the saints.

In truth I can't build a kingdom even, I am unable to. I can not because I'm not my own and my life belongs to the Lord. He can establish me, He can take me and give me as He is my owner and He is my master to Him I've given my life. And He has honored me when I'm no bigger than anyone.


God is good.

Groanings too deep for words

What do you want from a kid who wants nothing but to sit in your presence.

Even if I fall asleep every time in your peace. I just want to be in your presence.

Man I'm nobody, it bugs me so hard sometimes. I'm nothing, I'm a nobody whom only you seem to really take interest in. Lord what do you want from me?
You know very well that I have no aspirations anymore, I don't expect anything too much yknow. Man, sure it would be cool for this and that, but I'll be honest I don't really dream like that. For me it's nothing further than a simple "I want to rest here doing this whatever it is" .

I guess I realize I'm lazy, I don't want anything. So what's the point of asking anymore. I'm not willing to...most mostly anything it seems. Maybe I'd like to be willing, but I don't believe I'm like that... Man... I have no drive to life, in a sense I'm senseless. I believe I have a purpose, because You seem to be using me regardless if I feel it or not.

They can tell me all day "you need to do this or that" or "get it together". Perhaps there's no real person behind these thoughts of mine, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't amount up to any kind of standard.

So here I am, broken, undefined, clay sitting on your shelf. I can't be an unfinished project of yours, but I'm tired of asking because my heart is wrong. Man I'd love to kinda have it together but I am unwilling to touch my own life, it's yours, do with it or don't. Maybe you have a use for a useless saint, maybe you'll use me less.

Tired

I'm so tired. I am tired of everything. All my life is just tired. In believe in Him. I'm sure He will deliver me and just unburden me from my mind.
There's so much that's just too much.
Lord, help me out of this please.

I've taken up video games again, just to cope. I should... There's that word.. should. What do I even need to do idk. I'm worn out. I'd like to spend time with Jesus, idk why I'm just not.. Or not into it. Is all a mess and I need God. I need Him, I know I do.

I'm between conflict of wanting to play video games and condemned for doing so but at the same I don't know exact why I desire this and that if I'm with God or not. I hope He fixes this mess... I kinda can't..

I'll be honest I'm fed up trying to be loved by God or liked by Him, I just need His grace and I'm tired of moving. I think He loves me as I am but I need His grace now more than ever. I got some head knowledge on what tbe things of God are that He likes, but I need His love His heart for me to fulfill His desires from me. And that's how it is and I'm not able to go further.

The dirtbag, His loved.

I'm just a dirtbag who loves God.

Maybe not a lot of aspirations, maybe not a lot of dreams but with the hope of God.

So I'm not special, in anything I think I really might be the very least. But...I have Him.

I don't look too good nor I have a fantastic body or anything, not too athletic or anything that great, perhaps not someone with a great a job at all, if I even have one... But yknow His love makes me, shapes me and more and more I'm free to be more me.

I guess I'm that way.