Thomas

My soul is in despair because I can not touch the Lord with my hands.

Mida tähendab, Abielu. Mingid sügavused.

Ma nüüd saan aru. Jumal avaldas mulle oma armus seda, mis Tal soovis on mulle.

Mu abielu saabki olema valguseks ja soolaks. Polegi siis ime, et selleks on vaja päris erilist neiut. Kuna mu soov on suur, on ka läbi elamine ilmselt omajagu suur. See peab teenima Issandat, mitte mind, mitte teda, mitte inimesi.

Ma näen selgust, mida ma olen palunud on ka Issandale meelepärane. Ma soovin, et mu abielu ja abikaasa teeniks Jumalat kõigest hingest, sest mida me oleme, seda oleme Jumalale. Ma ei teaks öelda, et miskit sellist paluda teeb asja lihtsamaks, pigem mitte, see on ohverdus..see on paljuski VB ohverdus, aga Jumala ligiolu..
Ma tahan, et mu kodu oleks koht kuhu saavad inimesed tulla lihtsalt Jeesuse juurde, kes Issand ise ka juhatab sinna, ma tahan , et mu abielus valitseks Issanda rahu ja Tema hea meel meie üle. Mu igatsus on , et see paistaks välja ja keegi ei saa öelda, Issandat ei ole ,või et Issand ei ole neid õnnistanud. Igatsen, et kuri poleks osa selles elus. Ma olen palunud midagi head Issandalt ja Tema on hea ning võttis kuulda mu palveid.

Siis olgu nii nagu Issand annab kui see on niivõrd tõsine. Küll Ta ise paneb mu su südamele. Temast saab meile rõõm, Temast tuleb elu. Olen ka palunud, et Ta valmistaks meile tee, ning annaks selgust ja juhist, kuidas parimalt võiks toimida, mida teha ja kuhu suunduda. Mu lootus on Issandas, sest Issand on vägev tegema head.


Ma usun, et see pole nõnda , et meil on mingi ideaalne elu, ei..see pole realistlik, aga meil on Jeesus ja ohverdus ka üksteise jaoks. Tean, et seda on raske teha, ma usun, et ma õpin selle ise selgeks Issanda käe all, samamoodi ka sina.

Aga vot Jumal on hea, eks sa ise siis otsi Teda. Aga võib arvesse võtta, Issand ise ei lase igaühte mu ligi, isegi kui mulle keegi väga väga meeldib, Ta teab kes sa oled, sinust on Temal hea meel. Kui aga tunned end ära, küll siis Issand mullegi ütleb su kohta, aga mõni ehk arvab, et ta on julge ütlema mulle. No olgu ütle kui tunned sellist igatsust, aga see igatsus, mis minul on, oleks sellisel juhul kirjutatud samuti sinu südamele ja võib-olla sa mõistaksid selle sügavusi.

Issand hoidku valgus ja tõde minu ja sinu vahel, et ei oleks varjamisi ja varjutusi, et oleks selge see, mis on Õige ja Hea meie kalli Hea Isa silmis Taevas.

Saabunud on öö.

Olen vahetanud su jälle Issanda vastu, seekord nii peab taaskord olema. Issand annab ja Issand võtab, pühitsetud olgu Ta nimi. 

Mu sees on põud, mu igatsus on murtud mu sees ja hea laiutab taevas pilve peal. Ehk Ta ootab mind. Ma igatsen kangesti tulla tagasi nüüd Su juurde Issand.

Härmatis jälle võtab mu. Kuidas siis te ei mõista, mu igatsus on valguseks siin maapeal, mu igatsus soolab ka mitte usklike südamed. Mu hea tuleb kõik küll ainult Sinult Jumal, miks Sa sel veel tulla ei lase?

Ühte ma siiski palun Sinult, võtnud sa minult oled, aga anna palun tagasi, siis kui Sul hea meel on,  tagasi mu lootus taevariigile. Tean, et see ei pruugi nii olla, et mu suurest maapealsest igatsusest tuleks välja taevariik maapeal, aga ma palun Jumal, et Sina teeksid mulle nii, et see oleks kui majakas, lootuse koht, armastuse koht, igaviku lubaduse meeldetuletus.

Aga seni kuni ma ootan, anna mulle andeks mu mõistmatud sõnad, mida lausun oma rumaluses. Sina oled hea Jumal, usun Sinu headusesse, Sinusse.

Broken to the point where beauty shines through

Right now I'm going through some serious brokenness before the Lord. It's like all my being is just bare before Him with this one deep deep desire I have from Him, that one thing I ask.

My soul is like sand in His fingers. I'm just waiting on Him. And I keep asking Him like a child asks His father if it can be so. I feel like I'm almost as if in a desert and I'm handed this cup of water but I can not yet reach it. And my soul just yearns for it and breaks me. I'm so tender in my innermost being, it's like every negative word or a no just tears me up, both in tears and tearing. 

I keep going but also trying to be very still not to ruin it. To be honest I'm really scared. But the Lord keeps telling me keep going - it's almost like I've been going up this long mountain. I know what I expect from the top but it all just becomes hazy at some point. And now I feel like I'm so close to the depth of my soul and my desire, I'm so close and I have to be real patient now. 

O Lord you're asking your child who loves to laugh and travel and dance and joke around to sit still. Lord don't you know how hard it is, but Father because of you are I'm being very patient. It's honestly so beautiful what you've done in me. I really really hope to be a blessing, I really do. 

Lord you know me, this depth is not foreign to you. This one thing I have asked, please don't let it fall through this time, may it come, please. 

My thoughts are not for evil , but to encourage and bless you. I don't want to take away but build and give to you. I do not want trouble , but I want to be there when it strikes to shield you. No I don't doubt in your ability, quite the opposite, I wanna enable it and encourage you for it. I know this is between the Lord and you, but I have asked for you. 

Now I just sit and patiently wait for the Lord. I think He will come! What is another day among a thousand :) 

Actually it's funny, I have to preach to my own soul just to stay put and encouraged. Like I literally have to say like "My soul, hear me, put your hope on the Lord He will see you through, don't be discouraged oh soul, hope on the Lord He is righteous. Surely He will see you through and deliver you to the other side, He will come through!

Haha I realize it is just like David! 

I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord  In the land of the living. Wait for and confidently expect the Lord ; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for and confidently expect the Lord .

PSALMS 27:13‭-‬14 AMP

My heart is breaking into something beautiful.

Võib-olla siis Kui on küll

Jah sain aru küll,
Leidsin vale puu mille jalutsis üles okstepoole haukuda.

Sain pikapeale aru, see pole sina keda ma alla kutsun oma haugatustega.

Küllap ükspäev näen seda ,milles ma kõik osa olin oma haukumisega eks ikka selleks et sind hoida enda ligidal.

Küll ma näen seda ükspäev, su silmades, seda kuidas mu sõnad sinuni jõuavad ning meelega muudavad su südame pehmeks, voolitavaks - Sügavaks.

Küll ma näen veel neid aegu kui süda mu sõnades avardub ja siiruses sinule veel kohta valmistab.

Küll ma näen veel neid päevi kui Jumal hea olles lihtsalt head mulle näitab ja õpetab, eks see ole Tema enda hiilguseks.

Küll ma näen neid päevi, neid hirm-toredaid mõtteid sinust, sest see mille Jumal mulle annab ei ole korra, see on surmani. Selles on palju ilu.

Küll ma näen veel neid päevi. Haleluyah, küll ma näen neid päevi. Küll ma näen seda ilu veel, sest hea on Jumal ja Tema määrused on eluks. Hea on Tema kes kõiges kõike teab ning ilmale toob vaid õige.

To the world that judges me based on my accomplishments.

Even though I'm not able to uphold my life, I've given my life offering to God. I've offered my life because I have nothing else to give. He has honored me in my offering and redeemed me. Even though I'm not able to be at my best uphold a job that the world wants to see, I'm honored by God. And He has given me a platform to speak and a platform to preach.

Now world you may see a failure, a useless man but I've already been presented before over a hundred men whom I've preached to. These ain't Christian's , these are non Christian's, sinners, now if you think you're better than me then fine. Go and build your magnificence and become glorious before God. Whereas I'm that woman who gave two copper coins and God saw this as a great sacrifice and is redeeming me, because I have nothing more to give.

You can go ahead and disown me, you can go ahead and rejected me. But I'm not great in the eyes of men anyway.

I am honored in the sight of God and redeemed and loved. You too are loved, but the differences don't build a kingdom , I'm becoming the very least of the saints.

In truth I can't build a kingdom even, I am unable to. I can not because I'm not my own and my life belongs to the Lord. He can establish me, He can take me and give me as He is my owner and He is my master to Him I've given my life. And He has honored me when I'm no bigger than anyone.


God is good.

Groanings too deep for words

What do you want from a kid who wants nothing but to sit in your presence.

Even if I fall asleep every time in your peace. I just want to be in your presence.

Man I'm nobody, it bugs me so hard sometimes. I'm nothing, I'm a nobody whom only you seem to really take interest in. Lord what do you want from me?
You know very well that I have no aspirations anymore, I don't expect anything too much yknow. Man, sure it would be cool for this and that, but I'll be honest I don't really dream like that. For me it's nothing further than a simple "I want to rest here doing this whatever it is" .

I guess I realize I'm lazy, I don't want anything. So what's the point of asking anymore. I'm not willing to...most mostly anything it seems. Maybe I'd like to be willing, but I don't believe I'm like that... Man... I have no drive to life, in a sense I'm senseless. I believe I have a purpose, because You seem to be using me regardless if I feel it or not.

They can tell me all day "you need to do this or that" or "get it together". Perhaps there's no real person behind these thoughts of mine, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't amount up to any kind of standard.

So here I am, broken, undefined, clay sitting on your shelf. I can't be an unfinished project of yours, but I'm tired of asking because my heart is wrong. Man I'd love to kinda have it together but I am unwilling to touch my own life, it's yours, do with it or don't. Maybe you have a use for a useless saint, maybe you'll use me less.

Tired

I'm so tired. I am tired of everything. All my life is just tired. In believe in Him. I'm sure He will deliver me and just unburden me from my mind.
There's so much that's just too much.
Lord, help me out of this please.

I've taken up video games again, just to cope. I should... There's that word.. should. What do I even need to do idk. I'm worn out. I'd like to spend time with Jesus, idk why I'm just not.. Or not into it. Is all a mess and I need God. I need Him, I know I do.

I'm between conflict of wanting to play video games and condemned for doing so but at the same I don't know exact why I desire this and that if I'm with God or not. I hope He fixes this mess... I kinda can't..

I'll be honest I'm fed up trying to be loved by God or liked by Him, I just need His grace and I'm tired of moving. I think He loves me as I am but I need His grace now more than ever. I got some head knowledge on what tbe things of God are that He likes, but I need His love His heart for me to fulfill His desires from me. And that's how it is and I'm not able to go further.

The dirtbag, His loved.

I'm just a dirtbag who loves God.

Maybe not a lot of aspirations, maybe not a lot of dreams but with the hope of God.

So I'm not special, in anything I think I really might be the very least. But...I have Him.

I don't look too good nor I have a fantastic body or anything, not too athletic or anything that great, perhaps not someone with a great a job at all, if I even have one... But yknow His love makes me, shapes me and more and more I'm free to be more me.

I guess I'm that way.

Reckless love

The love of a heavenly Father.

Beyond reasoning, beyond comprehension, beyond fear... Beyond shame, beyond doubt, beyond grief. It's not simple compassion, it's more than compassion, it's relief, it's comforting, loving, it understands your pain, it helps in trouble, it waits for you, it comes after you, it greets you, it heals you. It gives you hope, it takes you in, it grooms you and ties your wounds. It actually welcomes you. Feeling welcomed among His presence, being welcomed to His life, to His glory, to His goodness, to His love. Being welcomed by Him and His compassion, there's no better thing. It would be good if I were able to love like He does.

Only love

The Lord has been dealing with some internal pain of mine lately. He has brought up many things. I've kept a record of His doings on my phone but I will probably not publish it.

I didn't know how much pain I'm really living under. He is just slowly taking these things away. And when He is taking care of me and grooming me from these places of anguish in my soul, a lot of burdens are being released. He is faithful to complete His work in me and His love abides everywhere around me and within me.

I'm beginning to realize a few things about friendship, what is necessary for me to hold a friendship. Not about what I can do for a friendship relationship but rather what I need. I really need love and for me I'm not really receiving any. I think I know what my love languages are and both of these are foreign in most of interaction I have in my life.

I hope this will change soon, I'd like to have a friend.

I was thinking of getting a dog but it really doesn't look like a possibility. It's not so much as being lonely ,fortunately I don't feel it that much. But rather I'm just missing someone who likes ...me.

In all honesty I believe most people really don't know much about me or my struggles or really what's going internally within, actually maybe no one does. I don't even write it out anymore. However this really opens me up for the Lord and I love Him. He cares for me, He actually is eager to hear what I have to say or what's on my heart. I wanna be true to Him.

However in this place that I'm in now, I really am no longer open. So all ideas of an actual relationship is... if maybe even repulsive for me. I don't really want anything or anyone.
Whereas indeed I'd like a friend for me, I kinda wanna push people further, especially women. I can't even deal with the idea of having another burden on me as a wife may be, because let's be honest what I hear and see is nothing but hardship. I'm fed up with hardship, what's the use of more dirt... So in a way my tune of heart sings "leave me alone, only Lord come near".

I'm in pain, I'm alone and I'm tired of myself and life.

This song has been with me for so so long. Still applicable.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6Cd1x3ikVb67AZsX38UesY?si=fL_6ORl8TdqvWBsPWY44BA

Psalm 145, ode to the greatness of the Lord

But who can stand upright in thy courts O Lord. Gracious and high up are you. Exalted is Your name O Lord. Who can stand upright in your presence, who can bear this glory that is the knowledge of your Highness.

How can a man achieve thy precepts, how can a man stay among your love and persist in knowing you intimately. Who can come close to the Lord? No one can bear the weight of your glory.

O King if I may only bear witness to your courts and faithfulness and your judgements and precepts, that would be a great man, a great work. If I may only bear witness of your ways and your love for me and men's souls, then that would be great.

If I may only bear witness to your righteousness and mercy towards me, that would be grand, far beyond all that I may ask. If I may dwell in your courts and dwell in your words that would be a blessing forever.

Blessed be your mighty name, exalted be your King of Israel, of Earth, exalted be His name. Exalted be Jesus the Son of God, the King of Kings, the name above every name.

He is coming

The lamb is dead. A lion is risen, He is coming , fierce and brave.

A man who once was is coming. He is no longer a man, death can't get to Him.

A King is coming. He is no longer a slave, He governs the riches of life.

God is coming. He is no longer slain for your sins, but a risen warrior, conqueror, the All Mighty.

He is coming to redeem the blood spilled.

Get ready. He is longing to come soon. He is coming at this very hour. Prepare.

Who can stand before Him? Let us humble ourselves before Him. He is holy and righteous, let us plead for forgiveness, let us gather before Him and submit to Him. Let us ask to join Him.

A great King is coming, undefeated, He himself is victory.

Feelings of my heart

Do you sometimes feel alone God? Even among the people of yours. When you said "foxes and rabbits have homes, but I have nowhere to lay my head" it speaks so much about longing. Maybe you don't feel so alone but I know you long, you long deep, so very deeply for us to turn to you. You are so beautiful in your ways. You are so deep but reachable when you reach for me.

How I'm covered in trials and testing and through the thickness your hand touches me, deep deeply into my soul. How you impart your life to me is far too great for a man, I can only humbly accept your love.

Perhaps it's true that in Romans 8:38-39 it is written that nothing can take a stand before your love. No created thing can ever be before your truth of love for us.

How admirable and how precious is your touch to me. How supportive, how gentle, how caring. Perfect love casts out all fear.

Do you love me Peter? You know that you are lovely to me.

Feed my sheep.

Do you love me Peter? You know that you're lovely to me Lord.

Feed my lambs.

Am I lovely to you Peter? You know all things and that I love you.

Perhaps it is so difficult for us to say we love you truly. For the worth of men is so small. The hearts of men are so deceitful that even you God we may push aside. How can I say I love you with the bottom of my hearth when I know my every day. Yet I love you more than anything on this Earth. How hard it is for men to plead your love knowing our faithfulness to you.

O Lord, touch my soul, take a hold of it,
Cast me as gold, bless me as so that I may love you. O great and wonderful and dear and lovely is your hand O Lord God almighty.
I do not want to be unrighteous before you, I don't want to miss out on who you are, I want to know and feel and touch and find you above all. Have not else that may bless me so.
Blessed be your name forever.

Everything

Everything! Take everything! Everything!

I must have you, I must have you. Everything. I need you everyday like the desert needs water. I need you every day like a child needs a Father, I need you as my every breath. I have too much longing , great is the groan within me.

I must have you!

My family, my friends, my life, my comfort, my will, my body is laid on the altar. Sanctify what's on the altar! I must have you. I need you and nothing else and I'm desperate to have you. Great is the King of Kings, Mighty is the Holy one of Israel. Great are you Lord. Blessed be your name , praised be your name, great be your name among the nations, blessed and highly praised be your name, your holy nature.

Adopt me as your own, take me as your own so that I may dwell in your house forever.

So

You will set yourself before me, You will redeem me, You declared me yours.

Yours I am - broken, no will of my own, no desire but brokenness.
I want to fall into my old ways, I just want to close myself in a virtual world, but you don't allow me to. Your ways are for the good, I'm sure.

I have hope, but it's not mine, it's yours, and it hurts, I don't understand it, it burns away my desires and needs that are not met. Are you not the God of wonders, the Alpha and Omega, your ways are above mine.

You have spoken rightly David, in psalms 23 where you said "I shall not want." For nothing I desire, nothing meets my expectation. I'm tired of going to and fro to find what I'm missing. I will now lay down and rest. Be you my overseer, my Lord, be you my victorious warrior, set yourself before me O Lord, fulfill your needs and plans for me.

One step away

Still and silent is this room.

You said your house is full of rooms for us, prepared.

Do you think I can make it? In some way I'm tired of wanting, tired of desire. I shall not want, I need rest.

Sometimes it gets so complicated, like the simplicity of the gospel is forgotten. The work is finished.

Tired of seeking pleasure yknow,  I want you Lord, I desire you, I desire freedom, I need your love.

Väsinud ja frustratsioon

Ma olen juht.

Sõidan juhtide koosolekule koos kaas juhtidega ning potensiaalsetega.

Siin oleks tore olla, aga tegelikult mul on väsimus. Ma olen tõesti väsinud. Ma pole piisav, kunagi. Ma olen nii @#!§% tüdinenud pidevalt alla andmisest, olen veelrohkem tüdinenud üles võitmisest. Sellest ei ole pääsu.

Sa oled hea, eks? Ma ei tunne Su headust ainult sinu omandamatut standardit. Sa oled öelnud, et sa armastad mind. Ma usun sind, päriselt, aga millal ma sellest aru saan?

Ongi siis nii, ripun kahe surma vahel kuniks valgus paistab. Igaveselt süngemas maailmas kuni sa tuled. Kumb on parem, sinu tulek või omade hoidmine veel pisut pisut?

Mind ei saa sinna kahjuks lugeda. Minus pole seda. Ma pole sinule olemas, sul on juba Jeesus. Ta elab minu sees, mina aga Tema tegusi ei tee, kas sa oled siis ka minus nagu sina oled Isas?

Lootusetult püüdes hoida sind enda fookuses, sest sind ma ei taha ju, ega ju? Mu teod kõnelevad totrusest ja sellest, et oled mu parim idee, millesse armun. Sind ennast on aga liiga vähe. Mis ma teen siis,  mine veel edasi ja grindi seda sõnnikut kuniks sa oled rahul. Ma tean, et Sa armastad mind, mille jaoks üldse?

Kui kuskilt Sa tuled, ja tuleb üldse lootus, siis tuleb see siia Sinult. Ongi kõik.

Kaua

Kaua.

Kaua pumbatakse Püha Vaimu vanasse veinilähkrisse? Kaua veel kuni ma plahvatun ja see vein läheb raisku? Ei parem on kui ma saan endale uue veinilähkri.

Isa ma palun Sind...sind.. sind ütlen sellepärast, et sa oled minu elus ikka veel väikese tähega. Millal? Millal ma saan.(Sind) Millal ma olen piisav, millal on mu elu kaotatud? Millal ma olen Sinu poeg ka maailmas, mitte ainult kristlaste seas.

Millal ma lõpuks suren sulle...

Millal ma saan hingata.

Ma panen oma elu maha, taaskord Su ees. Palun. Tee selles armetuses rohkemat tööd kui varem, mitte minu jõuga, vaid Enda omast. Sina Jeesus ole minu eest, seepärast ma siin olen. Sinust saagu minu osa, minu isiksus, minu silmarõõm.

Ma ei taha enam. Vii mind tasastele kallastele.