Despair

What does a man do, when he has nothing to lose? Does he give up or does he find meaning? What should a man do when faced with a ''demon'', will he run or will he fight?

As time flows by my watch is still
11 pm it tells me with the faintest chill.
Time is no threat, mind is no threat
Corruption and disease have conquered my hill
This poem was never meant to be
and I won't be held in debt
I will not follow her nor he.
My own life shines as a beacon of hope
it's not drugs, but it feels like dope.
I can I will escape
I need to rid myself of this ugly estate.
It is told that the dimension will shift
I hope that soon I can catch a lift
To leave here and to see the light of day
I shall no longer feel dismay.
This poem was never meant to be
but I owe this to thee.

The zealot

Time has passed since the I've tried to figure myself out. It seems to be ricocheting back every year - depression is it? Well not exactly... though obviously I can not cover up the misanthropic symptoms occurring. But no - I'm sure this is partly depression but partly something else, something I've still missed, something I can not cure before I understand what it is. I'm still missing a part of me, something I've lost and forgotten (and no it's not sense of feeling), I've lost my luminance though partially. I know I'm currently descending and like always it's never bothered my, I don't mind to fall every now and then. But there is something scratching behind my surface nothing big, nothing too important, it's not the feeling that I need to get rid of something, I need to gain something instead. Well so far we've( it's funny how I use ''me'' in plural, I've never noticed this before) figured out the obtaining method by which I can get what I lack. What do I need in life? Well... recognition as it seems. Is this why I've been feeling rather worthless lately? No one looks up to me longer, I don't think I miss it , but I do miss recognition or in other words I haven't done ''well'' in a while now. Perhaps my up-beat attitude isn't all that useful in success because either way if I'm happy or not I still fail and I hate admitting failure(Which is quite bad when fused together with ''happy'' emotions, because I ignore my failure so it just builds up to collapse me). Now I've lost my track of thought - I can't longer concentrate properly and am feeling overwhelmed with my life. Yes of course exercise always helps with emotions and depression and whatnot, but it does not cure the soul. Ugh.. Well I can no longer make sense in this thread of post so I shall close it up now. All I have to say is,
I'm lost.

Feeling my Flame

It is good that you are standing on edge, otherwise you'd take up too much space...
---
Sitting in my corner of sanity,
I'm alone, cold and in dire need of clarity,
My mind is erasing me.
Here, where candlelight separates dark and light
my mind is waiting, letting darkness emerge over me without a fight.
My years are darkening before me, narrowing, walls are closing in
showing me the direction where I'm heading.. Hate, closure, sin.
No god, no heaven no sky can ignore my presence
I am the last, the only remaining essence
of my kind.
I'm losing my sense of tact, humor, I can no longer find
love, affection, happiness I'm losing my mind.
Even if the candles around me dim more and more
with every second that passes,
I am not in pitch black, the pale moon has a place for me in store.
Grasped when in great awe over the gigantic cave in front of me,
the darkness,
I was took, grabbed from reality.
I can now only see reality's existence,
I can see who you are, where you came from and why you're here,
I can see you, falling in love, succeed without fear, not a single tear
needed to be shed. Happiness has fallen in your lap.
I can only see everything around me, I can no longer live in it,
my ability to live, for now, has come to a stop.
I'll never give up, I'll keep going until the last candle,
me,
is no longer lit.

Numbing thoughts

So why is everyone cautious around me... Why is my judgment important? Maybe people don't get judged too often, and when someone is doing it, it spooks them? I cannot, even though I'd really really want to and perhaps try to be the authority that everyone looks up to. I wonder if there are more numb people like me around. Someone who doesn't care in a way even loves the misery that others are in to compensate for their own. I wonder if anyone can relate to me, sure there are a few who can relate to my morale basis, but that's only because I speak what's the most natural in my sense, and they have to agree, because it's in human nature.. Even IF they've(like most) departed from nature without looking back. Sure I'm not a biologist or a helpless green organisation's member who tries desperately to save nature etc. No, I care more about the fascinating human mind, the natural instinctive thoughts over this and that and the whole concept of defensive mechanisms that humans use to protect their gigantic egos from other even bigger human minds. I can give advice on a few topics, or matters(to be precise) yet I don't consider myself as a ''helping type'' no, that's not me, I'd categorize myself under an ''observing type''. A person who likes to see and find logical conclusions over various actions that humans and animals have alike... I've been told, out of sheer goodness, that I'm special or.. different or even better ... UNIQUE, now I find that hard to believe. In a human world, I suck at maths, I'm not very good in any academic subject, my language is maybe slightly over the average, but nothing too special, I'm not too good in P.E, sure I can manage, but nothing exceptional.. Neither am I good in human metrics such as psychology or even a little bit of biology ( I would put that under academic ). So overall I don't do well in school, and at times I can be a sociopath. Meaning that I hate people and try and tend to avoid them etc. I can express myself rather freely and with well phrased sentences(often) I can perhaps compete with over the average spokesman. But I don't shine in any possible aspect... How can one be unique when they have nothing to brag about or even call unique about themselves? I honestly don't know what people think about me in that regards... Maybe one of you(aside from me), who reads this, can enlighten me of my distinctiveness amongst other specimen like me(humans)... I'm almost certain that I'm talking into a mirror though, as in I don't get any material back :D But we'll see...

Omen

Why do I wish so much death upon others? I mean sure, it's considered a bad omen, but it's not the worst one... In honesty I think many whom I've judged so, actually deserve to die - well... somewhat at least. I think my thoughts just reflect my broken personae and perhaps are not directed as completely bad, more or less like a protective method. Still it's is not an omen to fuck around with... I seem to be quite stuck between rationale and prejudice, I'm too quick to come to a conclusion then again my conclusions are always causative a.k.a because something or other happened, so it's ok(?) to do so even if I know it's wrong. However with the hatred I've conjured I've also given much room for balance and love. Basically with great hatred comes great love, though.. I do not wish to share it with anyone - so it's a bit of a paradox ^^ in sense, that I have it and can share it, but I don't want to. I find myself to be most productive or balanced when I'm with my solitude, or with very FEW people whom I interact with... That seems to be ideal for me...

From here on I've lost my strain of thought, so I'll end this ''post'' or whatever it's called.

I see you

It is good that you are standing on edge, otherwise you take up too much space.

Unrelated to ...

To all those in suffering.. For peace one must unwind first, relax your mind,your brain first and then try and relax your body. Relieve tension in your mind and all will unravel. Trust me, it will work. This works especially for those with a head-ace. Know your capability and your body ;) :)