Thomas

My soul is in despair because I can not touch the Lord with my hands.

Mida tähendab, Abielu. Mingid sügavused.

Ma nüüd saan aru. Jumal avaldas mulle oma armus seda, mis Tal soovis on mulle.

Mu abielu saabki olema valguseks ja soolaks. Polegi siis ime, et selleks on vaja päris erilist neiut. Kuna mu soov on suur, on ka läbi elamine ilmselt omajagu suur. See peab teenima Issandat, mitte mind, mitte teda, mitte inimesi.

Ma näen selgust, mida ma olen palunud on ka Issandale meelepärane. Ma soovin, et mu abielu ja abikaasa teeniks Jumalat kõigest hingest, sest mida me oleme, seda oleme Jumalale. Ma ei teaks öelda, et miskit sellist paluda teeb asja lihtsamaks, pigem mitte, see on ohverdus..see on paljuski VB ohverdus, aga Jumala ligiolu..
Ma tahan, et mu kodu oleks koht kuhu saavad inimesed tulla lihtsalt Jeesuse juurde, kes Issand ise ka juhatab sinna, ma tahan , et mu abielus valitseks Issanda rahu ja Tema hea meel meie üle. Mu igatsus on , et see paistaks välja ja keegi ei saa öelda, Issandat ei ole ,või et Issand ei ole neid õnnistanud. Igatsen, et kuri poleks osa selles elus. Ma olen palunud midagi head Issandalt ja Tema on hea ning võttis kuulda mu palveid.

Siis olgu nii nagu Issand annab kui see on niivõrd tõsine. Küll Ta ise paneb mu su südamele. Temast saab meile rõõm, Temast tuleb elu. Olen ka palunud, et Ta valmistaks meile tee, ning annaks selgust ja juhist, kuidas parimalt võiks toimida, mida teha ja kuhu suunduda. Mu lootus on Issandas, sest Issand on vägev tegema head.


Ma usun, et see pole nõnda , et meil on mingi ideaalne elu, ei..see pole realistlik, aga meil on Jeesus ja ohverdus ka üksteise jaoks. Tean, et seda on raske teha, ma usun, et ma õpin selle ise selgeks Issanda käe all, samamoodi ka sina.

Aga vot Jumal on hea, eks sa ise siis otsi Teda. Aga võib arvesse võtta, Issand ise ei lase igaühte mu ligi, isegi kui mulle keegi väga väga meeldib, Ta teab kes sa oled, sinust on Temal hea meel. Kui aga tunned end ära, küll siis Issand mullegi ütleb su kohta, aga mõni ehk arvab, et ta on julge ütlema mulle. No olgu ütle kui tunned sellist igatsust, aga see igatsus, mis minul on, oleks sellisel juhul kirjutatud samuti sinu südamele ja võib-olla sa mõistaksid selle sügavusi.

Issand hoidku valgus ja tõde minu ja sinu vahel, et ei oleks varjamisi ja varjutusi, et oleks selge see, mis on Õige ja Hea meie kalli Hea Isa silmis Taevas.

Saabunud on öö.

Olen vahetanud su jälle Issanda vastu, seekord nii peab taaskord olema. Issand annab ja Issand võtab, pühitsetud olgu Ta nimi. 

Mu sees on põud, mu igatsus on murtud mu sees ja hea laiutab taevas pilve peal. Ehk Ta ootab mind. Ma igatsen kangesti tulla tagasi nüüd Su juurde Issand.

Härmatis jälle võtab mu. Kuidas siis te ei mõista, mu igatsus on valguseks siin maapeal, mu igatsus soolab ka mitte usklike südamed. Mu hea tuleb kõik küll ainult Sinult Jumal, miks Sa sel veel tulla ei lase?

Ühte ma siiski palun Sinult, võtnud sa minult oled, aga anna palun tagasi, siis kui Sul hea meel on,  tagasi mu lootus taevariigile. Tean, et see ei pruugi nii olla, et mu suurest maapealsest igatsusest tuleks välja taevariik maapeal, aga ma palun Jumal, et Sina teeksid mulle nii, et see oleks kui majakas, lootuse koht, armastuse koht, igaviku lubaduse meeldetuletus.

Aga seni kuni ma ootan, anna mulle andeks mu mõistmatud sõnad, mida lausun oma rumaluses. Sina oled hea Jumal, usun Sinu headusesse, Sinusse.

Broken to the point where beauty shines through

Right now I'm going through some serious brokenness before the Lord. It's like all my being is just bare before Him with this one deep deep desire I have from Him, that one thing I ask.

My soul is like sand in His fingers. I'm just waiting on Him. And I keep asking Him like a child asks His father if it can be so. I feel like I'm almost as if in a desert and I'm handed this cup of water but I can not yet reach it. And my soul just yearns for it and breaks me. I'm so tender in my innermost being, it's like every negative word or a no just tears me up, both in tears and tearing. 

I keep going but also trying to be very still not to ruin it. To be honest I'm really scared. But the Lord keeps telling me keep going - it's almost like I've been going up this long mountain. I know what I expect from the top but it all just becomes hazy at some point. And now I feel like I'm so close to the depth of my soul and my desire, I'm so close and I have to be real patient now. 

O Lord you're asking your child who loves to laugh and travel and dance and joke around to sit still. Lord don't you know how hard it is, but Father because of you are I'm being very patient. It's honestly so beautiful what you've done in me. I really really hope to be a blessing, I really do. 

Lord you know me, this depth is not foreign to you. This one thing I have asked, please don't let it fall through this time, may it come, please. 

My thoughts are not for evil , but to encourage and bless you. I don't want to take away but build and give to you. I do not want trouble , but I want to be there when it strikes to shield you. No I don't doubt in your ability, quite the opposite, I wanna enable it and encourage you for it. I know this is between the Lord and you, but I have asked for you. 

Now I just sit and patiently wait for the Lord. I think He will come! What is another day among a thousand :) 

Actually it's funny, I have to preach to my own soul just to stay put and encouraged. Like I literally have to say like "My soul, hear me, put your hope on the Lord He will see you through, don't be discouraged oh soul, hope on the Lord He is righteous. Surely He will see you through and deliver you to the other side, He will come through!

Haha I realize it is just like David! 

I would have despaired had I not believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord  In the land of the living. Wait for and confidently expect the Lord ; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for and confidently expect the Lord .

PSALMS 27:13‭-‬14 AMP

My heart is breaking into something beautiful.

Võib-olla siis Kui on küll

Jah sain aru küll,
Leidsin vale puu mille jalutsis üles okstepoole haukuda.

Sain pikapeale aru, see pole sina keda ma alla kutsun oma haugatustega.

Küllap ükspäev näen seda ,milles ma kõik osa olin oma haukumisega eks ikka selleks et sind hoida enda ligidal.

Küll ma näen seda ükspäev, su silmades, seda kuidas mu sõnad sinuni jõuavad ning meelega muudavad su südame pehmeks, voolitavaks - Sügavaks.

Küll ma näen veel neid aegu kui süda mu sõnades avardub ja siiruses sinule veel kohta valmistab.

Küll ma näen veel neid päevi kui Jumal hea olles lihtsalt head mulle näitab ja õpetab, eks see ole Tema enda hiilguseks.

Küll ma näen neid päevi, neid hirm-toredaid mõtteid sinust, sest see mille Jumal mulle annab ei ole korra, see on surmani. Selles on palju ilu.

Küll ma näen veel neid päevi. Haleluyah, küll ma näen neid päevi. Küll ma näen seda ilu veel, sest hea on Jumal ja Tema määrused on eluks. Hea on Tema kes kõiges kõike teab ning ilmale toob vaid õige.

To the world that judges me based on my accomplishments.

Even though I'm not able to uphold my life, I've given my life offering to God. I've offered my life because I have nothing else to give. He has honored me in my offering and redeemed me. Even though I'm not able to be at my best uphold a job that the world wants to see, I'm honored by God. And He has given me a platform to speak and a platform to preach.

Now world you may see a failure, a useless man but I've already been presented before over a hundred men whom I've preached to. These ain't Christian's , these are non Christian's, sinners, now if you think you're better than me then fine. Go and build your magnificence and become glorious before God. Whereas I'm that woman who gave two copper coins and God saw this as a great sacrifice and is redeeming me, because I have nothing more to give.

You can go ahead and disown me, you can go ahead and rejected me. But I'm not great in the eyes of men anyway.

I am honored in the sight of God and redeemed and loved. You too are loved, but the differences don't build a kingdom , I'm becoming the very least of the saints.

In truth I can't build a kingdom even, I am unable to. I can not because I'm not my own and my life belongs to the Lord. He can establish me, He can take me and give me as He is my owner and He is my master to Him I've given my life. And He has honored me when I'm no bigger than anyone.


God is good.